"Denial - a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. The subject may deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether (simple denial), admit the fact but deny its seriousness (minimisation) or admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility (transference)." 

I go into meditation each day with the expectation (hope is more like it) that I will be able to connect with Spirit, in such a way that it will surpass any kind of connection that I could find on Facebook or Twitter.  It would be, and feel like, a direct line to the Divine!  Yet, what often happens is a cavalcade of thoughts, plans, questions, strategies, and – often – frustration, before my mind finally settles down and I get to begin connecting to my own heart (where my connection to Spirit ALWAYS shows up).  I'm sure I'm not alone in that, but I often tell myself that I should be BEYOND such things.  This morning, however, a burst of clarity broke through the murk of my mind's incessant prattling and preening.  While I would have liked this clarity to have been about some wondrous and profound Spiritual transmutation, or related to some type of "Who Am I?"-type inquiry, it was a much less romantic, much less warm and fuzzy message.  It was about DENIAL.

I had this stunning and seemingly unfortunate awareness that I have been swimming pretty deeply in the river of denial for the last few weeks.  In the context of this post, you may be asking yourself, "What IS denial, in a Spiritual context?  (Of course, the problem with that question is that, if you knew the answer, it would be much harder to be in denial. This is no fun for the parts of our mind and ego that regularly like to purchase and redeem frequent flyer miles in the Denial Club.)

 The definition of denial at the top of this post fits me and seems like a good jumping off point to the Spiritual context. Though, before elaborating on that, I want to presence one key element I think is missing from that definition.  That would be the fourth type of denial, which I term "Resistance," which is admitting both the fact and seriousness, getting you're responsible, but not doing anything about it anyway!  What hit me with no small measure of dismay this morning was seeing that I have been fitting all those characteristics of late.  

One of the key things I've been in denial about (but grateful to reawaken to) is the painful fact that I have been completely snookered by my mind and by survival energy.  This energy has been craftily disguised and embedded in a concentrated blast of weeks of researching, pondering, and strategizing new ways to "brand" myself; in particular, to brand my business, which – of course – is ME!  I've been searching for new and better (read, more effective income generation) ways to share what it is I do and more effectively convey why others should wish to partake of my talents.  In that process, almost exclusively managed by what I refer to as the "Ego-Mind," my being impressed with my protean level of productivity and earnestness has been disguising something that's critical for me to never lose sight of. What I've been denying is the pain and terror of uncertainty, the fear that comes with not being sure, the dread of what could happen if it "doesn't work," and the frustration of being a decent writer that hasn't been able, for weeks, to come up with anything that stuck.  I thought was being completely guided by my Spirit, by God (my word for Spirit, when I'm not using Spirit or The Divine), and was on the right track.  This was accompanied by no small matter of smug self-satisfaction.

A part of this smugness is often, for me, accompanied by the denial-laden thought, "I've finally conquered this or that demon….I'm past it now!"  What I wasn't seeing, however, was that I have been running from some of my innermost fears – the ones I like to believe I've overcome and/or gotten rid of (yet another piece of denial!) – by using this seemingly productive and metaphysically correct burst of marketing and re-invention activities to mask deeper beliefs that I wasn't wanting to really take ownership of.  These beliefs have dogged me – and I am sure that this could be true for millions of people out there – by seducing me into getting sucked into believing a few things that take me, and any of us, down the primrose path when you're really trying to live a Spirit-led life.  These are the beliefs that Denial serves to keep locked into place for me and so many others.  I offer a few of them below that, whilst MY particular brand of denial fodder, may be more universal than many of us want to admit.  They include:

• It's all up to me.  I have to have the answers, the brilliance, and the clarity of all that needs to be done to reach my goals and vision.
• I am in control when I do it all.
• I'm not being a good provider or teacher if I don't figure it all out for myself.
• People will respect me (I'll respect me) more if I work three times harder than the other person, which will get me what I need…even if I'm half-dead by the time I'm all done and can't enjoy the fruits of my labor;
• I'm a better, more lovable person if I do it all myself; and, lastly,
• I don't need help!

You may be wondering (or not) how I realized that I was in all this denial.  It was quite simple really.  I woke up to how closed my heart has been…a sure sign that Survival Energy (more on that topic in future postings) has me (and anyone).  In this morning's meditation, I felt the longing for my connection to Spirit.  I began feeling the ache and tears welling up because I wasn't feeling that connection.  Then, I let the tears come, and my heart opened.  I felt the presence of Spirit around me, and then the weight and burden of my Survival, in that moment, disappeared.  In that moment, I got to feel my heart that I'd been too busy and too doing-focused to notice was had gotten too far in the background.  Most importantly, I saw that I haven't been letting Spirit co-create with me.  My denial had me believing that I didn't need Spirit's help any more than I need the support of my loved ones and friends.

Dear readers, whenever you find yourself having thoughts like that, and want to do a reality check to get yourself back on the path of truly following the flow Spirit has in mind for you, I respectfully suggest you do something as simple as noticing how long it's been since you told your partner you loved them, hugged your children just because you want to, and have been moved to tears by someone else's good fortune and love.  Do any of those, and you will find yourself no longer going down the river of De-nile without a paddle.

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