Billy Elliot – How A Dancing Irish Kid Healed My Heart

I'll never forget the first time I saw the film, Billy Elliot.  It was 9 years ago, and I went to see it in a rundown theater in Albuquerque.  I was with my Spiritual Teacher, who happens to be Irish.  I hadn't really heard anything about it, but we were in the mood to see a movie, and the idea of Irish, dancing, and youth were all appealing.  As we watched the movie, I really enjoyed it, found it quite funny, and – by the end – pretty inspiring.  Yet, it was what happened after the film that really turned out to have a dramatic impact on me that I have come to use as a teaching piece for my clients and workshop participants ever since.

When my teacher and I started walking to her car after the show, I noticed that I was beginning to feel a bit sad, like tears couldn't be far away…and they weren't.  While she went into a grocery store to pick some things up after we left the theater, I suddenly found myself sobbing uncontrollably.  I was, to say the least, totally bewildered.  Fortunately, though, one of the earliest skills I learned when I was training to be a coach was tracking, like a tracker in an old Western, the source of any emotional upsets or distress.  So, I wracked my brain, while still wearing out my shirt sleeve, to see if I could remember when I started feeling any kind of sadness or melancholy during the film.  What then came to me immediately was a scene near the end of the film, where Billy's father and brother have come to put him (at age 11 or 12) on a train to go live his dream…of going to Ballet School in London.  In this scene, Billy's father lifts him up off the train platform and tearfully embraces him.  I had felt the twinge of sadness and tears coming then, but for whatever reason, its seismic impact had to wait for the grocery store parking lot.  

What I came to realize was that seeing the genuine love of that father for his son reopened a deep, deep wound I had thought I'd come to terms with around my birth father.  [The story, and its full impact, of my father and I is part of a series I'm doing on my other blog, Spirited Musings (see the link on the top of the page above this posting).]  Suffice it to say here that the core of that wound was abandonment.  That night, out of the blue, in a Von's parking lot, I was getting to experience another level of healing the gaping tear that my father's leaving our family had created in my heart.  Getting to release more of that old energy, that old grief, was very satisfying (I highly recommend the practice).  But, that was only the beginning of what Billy Elliot had to offer me, and many others.  It was several years later, when I had gotten the inspiration to start using films in my Parenting Your Inner Selves workshops (now the Raising Your Spirit's Voice workshop) that I watched Billy Elliot again.  This time, there was a trove of new gifts and treasures I hadn't noticed before.  

The first thing that was quite a revelation for me was realizing that this film really was the only film I'd found (still true, to this day) that shows someone healthfully making the journey from being a child (born magical, alive, passionate, and sure of himself) – with all of his essential gifts and qualities challenged and trashed by life circumstances beyond his control – to a man that is whole with his life's purpose still intact.  Now that, in and of itself, is nothing new in films.  What makes Billy Elliot so rare and valuable is it's the only movie I've seen, with the possible exception of Slumdog Millionaire, that shows the journey from childhood magic, to loss and tragedy, and back to magic and divinity again all the way through to his adult life.  Put another way, I can't think of any other movie that depicts a wounded child, inner and outer, making it to adulthood with his Spirit so intact and unadulterated. 

When you watch the film carefully, what you will see is a blueprint for how to face family dysfunctions, tragedy, and disappointment without having to lose your core self and self-esteem. You can pay attention to how easy it is for us (particularly men, in my experience) to cover up devastating heartache under bravado, workaholism, feigned lack of interest, and rage.  You can carefully observe the relationship between Billy's Dad and Billy's older brother, Tony.  The rage that Tony takes out on his father and Billy looks suspiciously similar to the rage that Billy's father takes out on life in general.  It shows the way in which energy patterns get unconsciously transmitted from one generation to the next, leaving a pathway of dysfunction that no child ever asks for and no adult easily gets to heal.  You can see how a deeply hurt heart (the province of the Divine Feminine) gets falsely "protected" by a bulldozing, un-Divined Masculine energy.  You also will likely notice a key theme and source of childhood/adolescent dysfunction centered around what happens when you are not following the pack in your family?  What happens when all eyes are on you to be a certain way, and your heart is clearly guiding you to go another?  Most importantly, perhaps, you will see the healing power of not giving up your dream, or your personal and spiritual integrity, and noticing how healing that is for those watching you do so.

For this middle-aged man, what this film has repeatedly given me, time and time again, that's been an even greater gift than the insights I've referred to above, is a visceral reminder of the joy that I had, as a boy, in dancing, taking life one day at a time, dreaming, using my imagination without any limitations, and loving out loud…no matter what.  It never fails to connect me with the boy who still lives inside me…not just the boy that still carries the scars of his wounds and hurts, but also the boy who has never stopped dreaming or seeing the best in people, even when they can't.  This has been the gift that I've been giving to myself and others my whole life.  Once upon a time, I had forgotten that.  A young Irish boy in a film helped – and continues to help – me remember the cost of forgetting.

It Really IS More Than A River in Egypt

"Denial - a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. The subject may deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether (simple denial), admit the fact but deny its seriousness (minimisation) or admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility (transference)." 

I go into meditation each day with the expectation (hope is more like it) that I will be able to connect with Spirit, in such a way that it will surpass any kind of connection that I could find on Facebook or Twitter.  It would be, and feel like, a direct line to the Divine!  Yet, what often happens is a cavalcade of thoughts, plans, questions, strategies, and – often – frustration, before my mind finally settles down and I get to begin connecting to my own heart (where my connection to Spirit ALWAYS shows up).  I'm sure I'm not alone in that, but I often tell myself that I should be BEYOND such things.  This morning, however, a burst of clarity broke through the murk of my mind's incessant prattling and preening.  While I would have liked this clarity to have been about some wondrous and profound Spiritual transmutation, or related to some type of "Who Am I?"-type inquiry, it was a much less romantic, much less warm and fuzzy message.  It was about DENIAL.

I had this stunning and seemingly unfortunate awareness that I have been swimming pretty deeply in the river of denial for the last few weeks.  In the context of this post, you may be asking yourself, "What IS denial, in a Spiritual context?  (Of course, the problem with that question is that, if you knew the answer, it would be much harder to be in denial. This is no fun for the parts of our mind and ego that regularly like to purchase and redeem frequent flyer miles in the Denial Club.)

 The definition of denial at the top of this post fits me and seems like a good jumping off point to the Spiritual context. Though, before elaborating on that, I want to presence one key element I think is missing from that definition.  That would be the fourth type of denial, which I term "Resistance," which is admitting both the fact and seriousness, getting you're responsible, but not doing anything about it anyway!  What hit me with no small measure of dismay this morning was seeing that I have been fitting all those characteristics of late.  

One of the key things I've been in denial about (but grateful to reawaken to) is the painful fact that I have been completely snookered by my mind and by survival energy.  This energy has been craftily disguised and embedded in a concentrated blast of weeks of researching, pondering, and strategizing new ways to "brand" myself; in particular, to brand my business, which – of course – is ME!  I've been searching for new and better (read, more effective income generation) ways to share what it is I do and more effectively convey why others should wish to partake of my talents.  In that process, almost exclusively managed by what I refer to as the "Ego-Mind," my being impressed with my protean level of productivity and earnestness has been disguising something that's critical for me to never lose sight of. What I've been denying is the pain and terror of uncertainty, the fear that comes with not being sure, the dread of what could happen if it "doesn't work," and the frustration of being a decent writer that hasn't been able, for weeks, to come up with anything that stuck.  I thought was being completely guided by my Spirit, by God (my word for Spirit, when I'm not using Spirit or The Divine), and was on the right track.  This was accompanied by no small matter of smug self-satisfaction.

A part of this smugness is often, for me, accompanied by the denial-laden thought, "I've finally conquered this or that demon….I'm past it now!"  What I wasn't seeing, however, was that I have been running from some of my innermost fears – the ones I like to believe I've overcome and/or gotten rid of (yet another piece of denial!) – by using this seemingly productive and metaphysically correct burst of marketing and re-invention activities to mask deeper beliefs that I wasn't wanting to really take ownership of.  These beliefs have dogged me – and I am sure that this could be true for millions of people out there – by seducing me into getting sucked into believing a few things that take me, and any of us, down the primrose path when you're really trying to live a Spirit-led life.  These are the beliefs that Denial serves to keep locked into place for me and so many others.  I offer a few of them below that, whilst MY particular brand of denial fodder, may be more universal than many of us want to admit.  They include:

• It's all up to me.  I have to have the answers, the brilliance, and the clarity of all that needs to be done to reach my goals and vision.
• I am in control when I do it all.
• I'm not being a good provider or teacher if I don't figure it all out for myself.
• People will respect me (I'll respect me) more if I work three times harder than the other person, which will get me what I need…even if I'm half-dead by the time I'm all done and can't enjoy the fruits of my labor;
• I'm a better, more lovable person if I do it all myself; and, lastly,
• I don't need help!

You may be wondering (or not) how I realized that I was in all this denial.  It was quite simple really.  I woke up to how closed my heart has been…a sure sign that Survival Energy (more on that topic in future postings) has me (and anyone).  In this morning's meditation, I felt the longing for my connection to Spirit.  I began feeling the ache and tears welling up because I wasn't feeling that connection.  Then, I let the tears come, and my heart opened.  I felt the presence of Spirit around me, and then the weight and burden of my Survival, in that moment, disappeared.  In that moment, I got to feel my heart that I'd been too busy and too doing-focused to notice was had gotten too far in the background.  Most importantly, I saw that I haven't been letting Spirit co-create with me.  My denial had me believing that I didn't need Spirit's help any more than I need the support of my loved ones and friends.

Dear readers, whenever you find yourself having thoughts like that, and want to do a reality check to get yourself back on the path of truly following the flow Spirit has in mind for you, I respectfully suggest you do something as simple as noticing how long it's been since you told your partner you loved them, hugged your children just because you want to, and have been moved to tears by someone else's good fortune and love.  Do any of those, and you will find yourself no longer going down the river of De-nile without a paddle.

The Answer Man – Getting Lost In The Hall Of Mirrors

It's nice to truly begin this new blog, and though I stated in my first blog here that I would begin with Billy Elliot, I saw a movie last night that inspired me to start out with it instead.  The name of the film is The Answer Man, starring Jeff Daniels, Lauren Graham, and Lou Taylor Pucci (a Johnny Depp look-a-like who was excellent in the film).  

I believe that what inspired me to want to share about this film is how much I was able to relate my own life to it, which is – after all – the whole point of this blog…how to use different films to assist you in your transformative explorations.  I am a life coach, specializing in transformation, spiritual mentoring, relationships reinvention, and life transitions.  In addition, I also do Counseling with people.  While I have not yet achieved the profile of someone like Neale Donald Walsch, the author of all the Conversations With God books (and the person that Jeff Daniels' character, Arlen Faber, seems to be modeled after), I am nevertheless paid to both provide answers to my clients and, more importantly, assist them in finding their own answers that they all have inside them.  When one is in that kind of position, and actually emphasizes the coaching/counseling experience as a deliberate and deliberative spiritual pathway, as I do, it's pretty interesting the kinds of projections that get put onto the coach.

Much like therapy, there is transference that happens that, in one way, makes the person who's doing the coaching or counseling invisible, or "disappeared."  Now, in my opinion, that's supposed to happen and aids the effectiveness of the work.  But, what happens when the provider, or healer, loses themself in the process as well.  What happens when you're seen as some sort of spiritual teacher that then is projected upon to be an infallible person that wouldn't, couldn't and even shouldn't make mistakes or be human?  Even worse, what if you're teaching or coaching someone in the midst of your own crisis of faith? How does one navigate the subtle (and not-so-subtle) minefields of the dance between ego and Spirit while being a public "authority?"  This is exactly what The Answer Man deals with and brought up for me.

In the film, Arlen Faber, in 1988, publishes an enormous best-seller, "Me and God."  Much as with Neale Donald Walsch, Faber becomes world-renowned, wealthy, spin-off books abound, and he is relegated by the masses to the role of Spiritual Guru.  Because his book purported to be conversations between him and God, the public believes that he has all the answers they need to their questions.  Twenty years later, when the film starts, he has become an isolated, JD Salinger-type misanthrope, desperately trying to re-connect with God…and himself.  In addition, those who finally figure out who he really is come unglued when they discover that he is every bit as flawed as they are.

Taking it out of the realm, for a minute, of my particular profession, isn't this an issue we're always dealing with and have been dealing with since our childhoods?  The disparity between who we naturally are, and the gyrations we end up going through to try and fit in (and deal) with others' pictures and expectations of who we are or should be?  When we were children, it was natural to be natural!  Most of us have grown into adults now trying to transcend all the adaptive, distorted, reactive behavior patterns that dealing with our families of origin required us to take on to be able to get our needs met.  When we have had to do that long enough, we often forget who the "Real Us" really is and how that "us" really feels.  The film beautifully showcases the cost of that amnesia, aggravated by the projected expectations that come part and parcel with being a teacher or healer.  

If we're not present and as conscious as can be, it gets so easy to get lost in the hall of mirrors of our ego-mind that constantly supports the belief in the illusions, and delusions, of our ego-mind's grandiosity and the drive to unconsciously believe that our "truth" is really defined by others' reactions,feedback, and/or love. This is one of the most insidious forms of separation that afflicts us as humans, and from that place, we look for people – therapists, gurus, coaches, teachers, authors, Oprah – to give us the answers on how to circumvent that and get back to being happy (often mistaken for non-stop feeling good, rather than living our Spirit).  When the Answer Man/Woman doesn't have the answers, or – in my trade – offers answers and reflections that we want to be heard, the messenger (and the message itself) often get killed off one way or the other, and then the search continues for the next Answer Man/Woman.

When you're the one looked to to be that Answer Man/Woman, it can get easy to forget that your strength as a teacher/healer/coach is to bring your human-ness to the party.  The minute you forget, as a healer/teacher, that you're just as human and fallible as everyone else, and forget to bring loving compassion to that reality and how you work it out for yourself, you're trapped in that hall of mirrors (as the Arlen Faber character in the film is) looking for a way out.  I often find myself in this position, due to the wounds I still carry that I continually work on, of getting to learn this lesson over and over.  Every time, as in the movie, one of the key "solutions" or paths out of the trap always comes back to one common denominator: connection, to oneSelf, our Spirit, and to the Divine.

To see this played out in a way that is well-written and more realistic than most films, see The Answer Man.  See how it reflects YOUR process of dealing with image, expectations, desires, fear, love, separation, and ego/Spirit dualities.  Notice if it shows you anything about what you do, or where you go inside, when you don't have The Answers.  Then, please come back to this Post and add your comments.  The film is in theaters now (in some cities) and available On Demand for Comcast subscribers.

Shame in Action (& Inaction)

Before my net post gets back to the next installment of my story that got started in late June, I wanted to use this venue as a place to remind myself, primarily, of the power and Modus Operandi of shame.  If it's helpful to you, the reader, that's also wonderful.  What I want to share about is just one facet of how shame can control us that is worth paying sober attention to.