Archive for June, 2009

What Is It That We Are So Afraid Of?

In a short one-day break from my series on the rich, wonderful world of the transformative power of shame, I wanted to just throw a question out the blogosphere; in particular, the portion of the blogosphere readers that concern themselves with matters spiritual, metaphysical, or just plain curious. 

I was meeting with a client tonight who is undergoing a lot of turmoil over a decision needing to be made.  This person has a strong inner knowing what the decision is for them, yet is agonizing over what to do, often telling themselves, "I don't know what to do," or "I don't know what I want."  In the case of this person, it was obvious to me that this individual knows what "The Truth" is, but the ego is so at odds with this person's heart's truth, that it feels compelled to keep this person in a perpetual state of distress and emotional vapor lock.  So, what's the question already?

It's simply this (and it's a two-parter)…"How often do you really ignore and/or overlook what your own intuition is telling you about any given situation?"  And, "When you do, what are you getting instead?"

I want to invite my readers to look at that for themselves.  Look honestly and candidly.  How much do you override your own instinct and your own nature?  If you do, why?    When you DO override your instincts, what is really winning?

What do you end up choosing instead of your own nature and your own inner guidance? 

I invite people to comment on this post by answering these three questions and then sharing what you've gotten to learn from getting caught up in that patterns.

Maybe it's going to be freeing to look your purpose squarely in the eye and get the opportunity to share it once and for all.

Original Sin…Did It Really Begin With That?

INTRO

Two days ago, I began what will be a series of posts to the blog meant to explore and share my life's stories (or at least some particular ones), in the hopes that they will provide illumination and healing to any shame I still carry, as well as offering lessons and perspectives to others that may prove helpful.  So, here is the first installment.

THE ENTRANCE WAS A ROUGH ONE

As far as I understand it, Catholicism espouses the notion that, from the moment we're born, we are sinners.  We come into this life, as the infamous "they" say (at least the Catholic "they's"), already being damaged goods.  Were I Catholic, this concept of Original Sin would have long ago helped me make much more sense of the pervasive sense of shame that I have grappled with as long as I can remember.  I'd have been able to pin it all on the fact that – in God's eyes – I was screwed from the outset, thus absolving myself of any responsibility for true, damaging flaws that contributed to the high level of distress so common to my childhood and beyond.

Since I don't have that theological "out," it seems to have started pre-entrance.

My mother, Vickie, and my father, Jim, had been in what was most likely a pretty impetuous teen marriage, which began in 1956, when they were 19 and 21 respectively.  I have no idea of whether or not I was planned, but what I found out in my mid-40s was that they had already separated and were heading for divorce when they discovered that I was coming along.  In an effort to provide me with some sort of stable family life, they decided to move back in together and attempt to hold the relationship together.  While my Mom seemed very clear about, and was somehow proud to share, the fact that I was conceived in the back of a '57 Chevy, to the connubial strains of Johnny Mathis, I never had a definitive sense that I was planned or wanted.  I can certainly imagine that, at worst, my impending arrival was very inconvenient.  I can only guess that, since my mom was so young, so self-obsessed, and extremely prone to a great deal of fear-laden anxiety, the pregnancy was difficult.  I can imagine that a lot of the energy of her mixed feelings and fear was energy that I got to feel a great deal whilst gestating.

Back in the 50's, there wasn't yet the consciousness of the potential damage that could be done by smoking and drinking during pregnancy.  My mother was a chronically lonely and needy person, and in her teens and early 20's, smoking and drinking were things she did a lot.  There is no way I'll ever know if her smoking and drinking had anything to do with my birth defect, but my entrance into this life was extremely traumatic.

Birth is no picnic to begin with, if you stop to think about it; at least in 1958, it wasn't a picnic.  Before the days of water births, after 9 months of having it nice and cushy, warm, wet, and on a 24-7 feed bag from your Mom, you get tossed and pushed out of your happy little home into a really loud, blazingly bright room, with your mother screaming bloody murder (unless she'd had an epidural, which my Mom didn't).  How welcoming is that?  However, I had an extra disadvantage.  I was born with a bi-lateral cleft palate and lip.  In fact, as my mother told me, it was such a severe cleft, there was minimal soft tissue around my mouth and nose, to the point where I had no visible nose…just exposed bone.  Because of this condition, I was unable to nurse and wasn't placed with my mom on that first night.  I was placed in the nursery, under constant supervision by nurses.  The critical first moments of bonding that we now know are so essential to an infant's sense of well-being was not mine to have.  Whatever trauma that that was for me, in and of itself, at the time, it was nothing compared to what was going to happen the following day.

…Let The Adventure Begin

"You teach what you most need to learn." 
That old chestnut has been a perennial mantra that has often come back around into my consciousness.  For the last 14 years, I have been working with people in healing their wounds…emotional wounds, psychic wounds, and sometimes even Spiritual wounds.  I have done this on a one-on-one basis, as well as having led hundreds of workshops that have assisted people in reaching new levels of peace and healing with the particular wounds we've sustained in growing up with our families of origin.  When I got into that field – after spending 16 years in a corporate career that i wasn't even realizing was zapping me of any vitality, connection to Spirit (mine or the Divine), and connection to all that was wonderful in my life – I felt that I was doing it to fulfill on what was then a newly re-discovered and reclaimed sense of what my friend David Rubine has referred to as my Soul Purpose.

I got exhilarated by the thrill and joy of really being able to help people begin and/or deepen the kind of transformational journey back to the full expression of their Spirit that I had so dramatically started undergoing in the early 90's.  Back then, for me, it was all about being captivated by and passionately engaged with the rush that comes with truly being in the groove of what you're meant to do.  Recently, however, I have come to truly & viscerally see that there is perhaps an even larger reason why I made that career and life transition all those years ago.  It's a reason that is now coming home to roost in all my emotional fibers, that I hadn't really seen or given true holistic credence to.  While it is extremely rewarding to see that my work with people makes a tremendous difference, I've now come to see that the difference that has really needed to be made, as much as with others, is with myself. In particular, I am getting a whole new view of the difference that needs to be made in my relationship with shame.

For all the work I've done with others in recognizing, honoring, feeling, and shifting their deepest shames and shadows, I've come to see that there are far more layers of my own that are wanting to be given oxygen and light, so that those layers become a rich, golden part of the fabric of the gifts I have to offer people, as a teacher, a coach, and as a human being.  These are layers of my self that I didn't realize I was still carrying great judgement with…that I was wanting to sweep under some rug, so that I could feel I had evolved beyond them and needn't be bothered with or by them any further.  I hadn't seen it so clearly as I have in recent weeks.  I had really deluded myself into thinking that there were layers I was complete with that it turns out aren't complete with me.  These layers I refer to are layers of shame that I have stuffed, compartmentalized, camouflaged, and denied.  Like most people, the shame with which I now get to fall more deeply in love with is the shame that I've come to believe is all about me…who I am, who I'm not, who I don't feel I could really be, etc.  

Now, why am I sharing all this with all of you?  Why am I bringing into the public eye the kind of observations and truths that usually aren't mentioned in polite company?  Those were the first two thoughts that came to me when I got inspired this morning – by two dear friends of mine – to start what I believe is going to be a book.  This is probably the book that I've resisted writing for at least 25 years, since I was first told in an astrological reading that I would write a book one day.  I used to say to myself that I was resisting because I didn't know what to write about…others have already written any kind of book I might write…there's nothing about me or my story that would be of any interest to others that hadn't already been on a talk show, radio show, or on Oprah.  

This is a bit odd, given the kinds of things that have happened to me in my life, and given a lot of my accomplishments, which seem to belie the shadow myths in my mind that have held those kinds of statements, feelings, and beliefs firmly in place.  Nevertheless, what I've been resisting, that the book merely forces me to truly open up to, is my particular journey with shame, with my own childhood wounding (at a new level), and what it may have to teach others who have been/are experiencing anything similar that keeps them locked into an egoic box that feels insurmountable; particularly, insurmountable in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary.  And, I'm clear that this exploration must be out in the open, otherwise the shame's hold keeps its hegemony.  

Consequently, I'm going to follow my intuition and inspiration to share my story; in particular, to share how my walk with shame is the very source of that which makes me good at what I do, that makes me the kind of teacher and guide that I have become for so many, and the possible gift to others that may assist their walks being clearer, more balanced, and perhaps less traumatic.  I am sharing this with you all to be able to learn to love what I'm ashamed of, even as I intend its hold to transform and transmute into greater love and greater gift-giving.  I am going to do something which is, in many ways, radical for me.  I am going to forego my tendency, as much as possible, to have to have it all be perfect, to have it all be ok with all of you out there, to have it be strictly some kind of PR piece. &#
0160;I'm going to just tell it like I see it, and bring all my heart and truth to it.  How will that look?

I am going to post pieces every two days, and see where it takes me.  I am clear the telling will guide the pathway and direction.  I strongly invite you who are reading this and may be willing to read future installments, to comment on the postings.  To use the comments box to share how any of what I'm sharing may mirror your own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings…or not.  Please use my story, my process here, to take you wherever it could towards seeing your own stories and wounds – particularly those you hide from others and/or yourself – as an integral part of your own Divinity and Brilliance.

I welcome you in joining me to see how this all unfolds…off we go….

….And So It Begins (Newly)

“You teach what you most need to learn.” 

That old chestnut has been a perennial mantra that has often come back around into my consciousness.  For the last 14 years, I have been working with people in healing their wounds…emotional wounds, psychic wounds, and sometimes even Spiritual wounds.  I have done this on a one-on-one basis, as well as having led hundreds of workshops that have assisted people in reaching new levels of peace and healing with the particular wounds sustained in growing up with their families of origin.  When I got into that field – after spending 16 years in a corporate career that I wasn’t even seeing was zapping me of any vitality, connection to Spirit (mine or the Divine), and connection to all that was wonderful in my life – I felt that I was doing it to fulfill on what was then a newly re-discovered and reclaimed sense of what my friend David Rubine refers to as Soul Purpose.  I got exhilarated by the thrill and joy of really being able to help people begin and/or deepen the kind of transformational journey back to the full expression of their Spirit that I had so dramatically started undergoing in the early 90’s.  Back then, for me, it was all about being captivated by and passionately engaged with the rush that comes with truly being in the groove of what you’re meant to do.

Recently, however, I have come to truly & viscerally see that there is perhaps an even larger reason why I made that career and life transition all those years ago.  It’s a reason that is now coming home to roost in all my emotional fibers, that I hadn’t really seen or given true holistic credence to.  While it is extremely rewarding to see that my work with people makes a tremendous difference, I’ve now come to see that the difference that has really needed to be made, as much as with others, is with myself. In particular, I am getting a whole new view of the difference that needs to be made in my relationship with shame.

For all the work I’ve done with others in recognizing, honoring, feeling, and shifting their deepest shames and shadows, I’ve come to see that there are far more layers of my own that are wanting to be given oxygen and light, so that those layers become a rich, golden part of the fabric of the gifts I have to offer people, as a teacher, a coach, and as a human being.  These are layers of my self that I didn’t realize I was still carrying great judgement with…that I was wanting to sweep under some rug, so that I could feel I had evolved beyond them and needn’t be bothered with or by them any further.  I hadn’t seen it so clearly as I have in recent weeks.  I had really deluded myself into thinking that there were layers I was complete with that it turns out aren’t complete with me.  These layers I refer to are layers of shame that I have stuffed, compartmentalized, camouflaged, and denied.  Like most people, the shame with which I now get to fall more deeply in love with is the shame that I’ve come to believe is all about me…who I am, who I’m not, who I don’t feel I could really be, etc.  

Now, why am I sharing all this with all of you that may be reading this post?  Why am I bringing into the public eye the kind of observations and truths that usually aren’t mentioned in polite company?  Those were the first two thoughts that came to me when I got inspired this morning – by two dear friends of mine – to start what I believe is going to be a book.  This is probably the book that I’ve resisted writing for at least 25 years, since I was first told in an astrological reading that I would write a book one day.  I used to say to myself that I was resisting because I didn’t know what to write about…others have already written any kind of book I might write…there’s nothing about me or my story that would be of any interest to others that hadn’t already been on a talk show, radio show, or on Oprah.  

This is a bit odd, given the kinds of things that have happened to me in my life, and given a lot of my accomplishments, that belie the shadow myths in my mind that have held those kinds of statements, feelings, and beliefs firmly in place.  Nevertheless, what I’ve been resisting, that the book merely forces me to truly open up to, is my particular journey with shame, with my own childhood wounding (at a new level), and what it may have to teach others who have been/are experiencing anything similar that keeps them locked into an egoic box that feels insurmountable; particularly insurmountable in the face of obvious evidence to the contrary.  And, I’m clear that this exploration must be out in the open, otherwise the shame’s hold keeps its hegemony.  

Consequently, I’m going to follow my intuition and inspiration to share my story; in particular, to share how my walk with shame is the very source of that which makes me good at what I do, that makes me the kind of teacher and guide that I have become for so many, and the possible gift to others that may assist their walks being clearer, more balanced, and perhaps less traumatic.  I am sharing this with you all to be able to learn to love what I’m ashamed of, even as I intend its hold to transform and transmute into greater love and greater gift-giving.  I am going to do something which is, in many ways, radical for me.  I am going to forego my tendency, as much as possible, to have to have it all be perfect, to have it all be ok with all of you out there, to have it be strictly some kind of PR piece.  I’m going to just tell it like I see it, and bring all my heart and truth to it.  How will that look?

I am going to post pieces every two days, and see where it takes me.  I am clear the telling will guide the pathway and direction.  I strongly invite you who are reading this and may be willing to read future installments, to comment on the postings.  To use the comments box to share how any of what I’m sharing may mirror your own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings…or not.  Please use my story, my process here, to take you wherever it could towards seeing your own stories and wounds – particularly those you hide from others and/or yourself – as an integral part of your own Divinity and Brilliance.

I welcome you in joining me to see how this all unfolds…off we go….