When it comes to both life and relationship happiness, I’ve come to see that one of the greatest sources of what I would deem unnecessary suffering is how focused so many of us are on getting.  That’s not an unconsciously incomplete sentence…”getting” is deliberately being used as a verb, because – in so many ways – most of what you DO each day, whether conscious or not, is about getting, isn’t it? Aren’t a lot of your days (one way or the other) about getting ahead, getting caught up, getting the right love partner, getting the right job, getting enough money to not have to worry about survival, getting happier, getting more sex, getting thinner, getting numb, ad nauseum?

The rest of what Rev. Beckwith says in the above quote is that what we’re here to LET is our Soul…that we’re here to let our Soul, and its purpose, emerge.  I add to that that it has to follow its natural trajectory of expansion, which happens when it gets as fully expressed internally and externally – as often as possible.  More than contemplating your navel and dreaming of Porsches appearing at your curb like The Secret film said you could, this path being deliberately pursued with commitment is much more likely to bring you what you really wish for in your life and in your relationships.

So, easy for me to say, but what makes it so challenging to be on a regular basis? Your relationship to F.E.A.R., the most insidious alphabet soup that you swim in so much of the time, whether you know it or not. F.E.A.R. tweaks everything…how you talk, how you listen, how you choose, how you decide what to choose, and how much of your time you’ll spend trying to get instead of letting your Spirit run, guide, and infuse the show.

There are two versions of this acronym I like a lot that really speak to the point of this article: False Energies Appearing Real and Forgetting That Everything’s All Right. When you’re afraid, your mind desperately wants to get rid of that fear, even though it’s the mind that usually creates that fear. Our lizard brain is so hard-wired to look for the next threat, that it doesn’t really know what to do with itself when things are going well for too long. Then, it wants to create and exert control.

One of the best strategies for which (to the ego-mind) is to try to predict the future and then have you believe you can and MUST make it happen. When you get sucked into that rabbit hole, you are working harder, more focused on whatever it is (including an inner state) that you’re trying to GET to/acquire, your level of presence goes to hell, and you forget that everything just may actually be more than alright. Then, the false energies appearing real kind of thoughts that are telling you “Things are good now, but what happens when…?” ignite even more of the forgetting that everything’s alright kind of thoughts, and off you go into trying to make them all right. See what an exhausting cycle that is? So, what to do instead?

You need to re-connect with what it is you’re here to LET out, to LET emerge. What are the qualities of your essence and core truths that, when not lived and expressed, make you even more miserable than not getting all the other stuff you’re trying and working so hard to get (or NOT get)?  What are the aspects of you that are alive and dynamic whether you’ve got money or not?  Whether you have enough stuff or not? Make a list of them.  For example, for me, my compassion is first and foremost on that list.  That is such an integral part of my Soul’s nature that to not be connected to it and give it freely, no matter what, is painful for me.  It also makes me feel miserable, particularly when I’m denying myself that compassion (sound familiar?).

Then, once you have the list, see where/how your pursuit of getting is blocking the qualities on your list getting let out.  Once you start looking at things that way, you allow your heart a pathway into a different kind of collaboration with your mind…one that can evolve into a partnership, rather than a competition.  Pick one thing on your list each day that, before you make your mundane To-Do list (that you never seem to have time to get done anyway) you’ll take on bringing committed focus to letting out.  If you don’t know how to do that, then focus on paying attention to where you’re going to do something or prioritize something that’s going to prevent the letting…then, make a different choice.

What do you have to lose that you’re not already losing by focusing on F.E.A.R. and getting?

CAUTION

It can’t be a secret to you how volatile life seems to be feeling these days.  You’re probably used to gauging how “good” things are by looking at your economic picture first, if you’re like most people I know.  If your money’s good, then everything else can be “taken care of.”  Yet, there was an article in the Huffington Post recently that spoke of the rising suicide rates in Europe, as they are going through their version of what we’ve been in the midst of for the last several years.  Reading it horrified and saddened me, because it made it all the more clear how much we’ve come to see our value, our identity, our worth, and our reason for living to be so fundamentally tied to whether or not we’re ok financially.

I’m not disputing that financial well-being is good; but, as a meaning for life and a main criteria for whether you want to hang around on the planet!?

There’s also the volatility around social change, both in our country and around the world…and it’s only accelerating (much like life, and time, in general). Haven’t you noticed how, in the midst of all the various political hot potatoes happening now, civility, compassion, and respect seem to have gone right out the window?  Whether or not you happen to be someone who believes in global warming, there’s no disputing that Mother Earth seems more than a little pissed off, or at least has a lot of heartburn going on.

This all seems to be coupled with levels of personal turmoil, drama, and upheaval I don’t think I’ve ever seen before in the 16 years I’ve been working with people.

So, in the midst of that, how do you possibly stay happy?

At the risk of sounding like a cross between a bad Lifetime Network movie of the week and Scrooge, I believe that the beginning steps are 1) let go of having your life be about being happy all the time (more on that shortly); 2) have love be THE focus of your life; and 3) do everything you can to cultivate mastering being present.

One of the most disturbing and upsetting things I ever heard was when a noted Spiritual Teacher said to an audience years ago that “The secret of having the happiest life is to realize you’re not here to be happy…you’re here to evolve…to have your Soul evolve.” Well, no one was particularly pleased to hear that (certainly not me), and it took me years to finally “get it.”  If you can realize you’re here to go through the whole spectrum of experiences (including pain & dissatisfaction), you can stop chasing the 24/7 dream you may say out loud you KNOW isn’t possible, but inside keep wishing/dreaming that you could have someday, if you just figure out the formula. Your ego will likely say, “Hell no!” Your Spirit knows better.

No matter what’s going on in your life – good or bad, happy or sad - love is the only thing, I believe, that will get you – and humanity – through what you’re in the midst of.  If you look into so many faces, for example, in New Delhi…a city with massive levels of poverty and squalor…you can see peacefulness and serenity in their eyes, even as they may be sitting in their own waste.  In our culture, we seem to need a major disaster to happen to tap into a sense of universal love that inspires us to selfless action.

If you want to be “happy,” you must make it the number one priority of your life to live Love in every waking moment possible.  It must start with you, and how you treat yourself, your body, and others in your life. I know…basic stuff, right?  But, our current global situation makes it pretty damn clear we’re not handling the basics.  If you’re struggling with loving yourself, one rapid way to get to a loving feeling is to love on someone else selflessly.  Be of service.  Go serve meals in a homeless shelter, and see if you can see Spirit in the eyes of those you’re serving who have nothing left but life itself. It may not make you instantly gratified, but it will bring you and Love into quick communion.

Lastly, do you have any idea how present you are?  If you need a long time to answer that question, chances are pretty high that the answer for you is “not very.”   Take a moment right now to stop reading this article, and just close your eyes, feel the soles of your feet, and scan how your body literally feels (that is, what are the sensations) right now.  Notice how your heart feels, emotionally.  If you would do that once an hour, every day…your life would be radically different…and happier.  Would you always feel happy?  No.  But, would you be feeling…at least for that one hourly interlude?  You bet.  And, love, awareness, and presence all start not in the mind (contrary to what your ego wants you to believe) but in the body.

My Teacher recently equated the struggle that we face individually, and as a Species, as if it’s a battle between the Soul (our own, the Soul of the Earth Herself, and the unified oneness of all beings) and ego for supremacy.  If you were to look at Love as one of the purest forms of Light, the more love you allow in and emanate, the more your ego goes into conniptions.  Look at it like putting a steak on the grill, and the steak gets grilled and cooked by the Light.  If you’re not happy in your life, I suggest that you see if you’d be willing to let your ego identity be put on the grill to be cooked not out of existence, but transformed into the finest quality piece of digestible, loving Essence that forms the focus of all you do and all you be.  I know for me…I’m taking my steak well done, thanks.  Is it going to be easy or fun all the time?  No.  But, you don’t have to look very far around you to see how poorly the alternative’s working.

April gives you an opportunity to look at all things related to power. All of your old patterns, belief systems, reactions, experiences, trust or mistrust, resistance, desires, access; all of it is up for observation, clearing, re-defining, clarifying, and re-negotiating.  This is an opportunity to free yourself from your old beliefs about power and the old paradigms in which those beliefs have lived.  You can look at your self-imposed limitations, and make moves to step more into your personal power in ways that will move you into your next level of expansion and evolution.

Everything this month will be powerful…from events to reactions and personal experiences, everything is potentiated with a greater energy and vitality.  If you choose it, this can come as an exciting and welcome opportunity for moving ahead with your dreams and goals.  For some, this may be a difficult time of resistance and overwhelmed, especially if you’re not used to handling large amounts of energy.  Psychologically, it’s an interesting time as the construct of the mind, and how it sees things, is truly being put to the test.

The ego continues to regurgitate material (beliefs, patterns) that needs to be looked at and, in most cases, discarded without giving it much power. If those kinds of thoughts comes up, they should be acknowledged for what they are – old stuff to let go of.

It’s an ideal time to make your own bid for power.  A bid for power is a decision and and action taken towards something you want in your life. It is usually very exciting and a bit scary…and, it definitely pushes the envelope of your comfort zone.  It requires an element of courage and some risk. Being decisive and taking action are the operative words.  True bids for power do not usually rest only on words.  Action is necessary.

You will quickly find out whether or not you’re ready, or if the bid is important enough for your essential goals to be viable. Whenever you make a bid for power, you will always be tested.  The test itself will tell you if you are on the right track. What can get in the way of a bid for power? Not being ready, or making the bid from a place of arrogance, impatience, or going after it based on someone else’s dream.

There are many stories of people being offered what looks like the perfect situation, for example, and then backing away at the last minute, because it is not what they really want. There are equally as many stories of people trying something and failing, because they weren’t ready. It is important to hold all failures as trial runs and opportunities for learning.  This isn’t the time to be sitting around and doing nothing.  This is the time to be active in working with power and to make concrete choices and decisions about how you will step forward more into more of your own personal power.

Power is an energy. It is an enhanced ability to manifest.  It is knowledge, ability, wisdom, well-being, and inner security.  True power is something that no one can take away from you. So, true power is never anything external that can be de-valued or repossessed. Power is your health, talent, service, higher mind, ability to love, your creativity, and our ability to work with the quantum field. This is a good time to contemplate all your beliefs about your power, how you define it, how you interact with it, how you resist it and/or embrace it, and how much you fear it.

As you examine all this for yourself, it is important to understand that, in these times, healing will take place no matter what.  It is up to you.  You can be in resistance to it, which will cause pain and suffering...or, you can get on with the program.  On the most personal levels, the healing available to you is about healing your relationship to power and forgiving everything that has compromised your relationship to and with your own power.

Pay attention to where your thoughts go this month.  Remember that the Universe is very receptive and will feed you back [one way or the other] what you put out.  If you are getting garbage, you are giving garbage.  This is a powerful time to clean up your thoughts and beliefs.  If you are in a funk, ask yourself what you may have been putting out that created it, instead of looking at what something or someone out there did to you to put you in that state.  Reworking your mental process and waking up to the higher mind takes discipline and focus.  No one said it was going to be easy, but it will be incredibly rewarding.

However you may celebrate Easter, I wanted to wish you and all your loved ones an Easter holiday that takes you to new depths of truly appreciating the Divine Love that you are and embody. I also hope that it’s the beginning of a time of Renewal and Reinvention for you that ignites an expansion within, and without, that you could have never imagined could be so sublime.

With deep gratitude and appreciation for you, and for this life,

Geoff

One of the reasons I’ve really come to see has got to be behind the still extraordinarily failure rate of relationships in our country is the fact that your average bear doesn’t have any real conception of why they’re even in a relationship.

Now, if you’ve heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, there are five basic categories of human needs (in order of ascending importance): physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self-actualization.  The physiological level, which forms the bottom of Maslow’s pyramid, includes the human needs of food, water, sleep, and sex, among others.  Friendship, family, and sexual intimacy (in other words, some of the staples that us humans usually seem to equate with what relationships are for) are up at level number three, below self-esteem and self-actualization.

What’s interesting is that ALL of the needs Maslow’s pointing out are ones we indeed would call “basic human needs;” yet, nowhere in the pyramid (that I can see) is there anything specifically citing Spirituality or Spiritual needs, belonging, or actualization.  If you tend towards the agnostic or atheistic, then that would be no big deal to you.  However, if you believe in ANY kind of Spiritual path, or even that you have a Soul or Spirit that has its own needs, then this omission is a pretty friggin’ big omission…and, it’s one that goes a long way to explain why we just have so many struggles with making relationships work (and not just our romantic ones)!

To my thinking (and intuition), if you were to “find,” start, and maintain any long-lasting relationships of any kind solely to meet those “human” needs, then our relationships are doomed to be only as healthy and expansive as our basic conscious and (gasp) sub-conscious ego state(s).  And, lest you doubt that that might really be a problem, how often do you find yourself doing things that you KNOW aren’t good for you, or are going to create problems of some sort?

Now, because there are some healthy and critical parts of your ego, this isn’t about telling you your relationships “shouldn’t” have any ego in them; frankly, I think that’s impossible.  However, because the part of your ego that believes it’s more powerful than the Universe and always knows best is NEVER satisfied, then there has to be some sort of system of checks and balances that allow you to navigate the trickier aspects of human relationship in a way that hopefully helps you and your Partner, for example, rise above the pettiest levels of what creates disconnection between us. In other words, what can you make bigger than the fact that you’re just royally pissed off that your Partner didn’t get you what you think they should’ve for Christmas this year?

Well, what if you were to relate to your relationship/Partner (and, again, this can apply to ANY relationship) as both the vehicle for, and the expression of, your highest Spiritual knowing, feelings, and awarenesses?  Now, I’m not saying that this would be in any way about overlooking things that aren’t working…but, I AM saying, when things aren’t working, our egos usually react out of fear, shame, and insufficiency…states I believe your Spirit’s incapable of knowing.  What if you dealt with issues as if they weren’t some kind of proof of how badly things, or you, suck; rather, they are indications that your Spirit’s are out of alignment, and to explore (together) what it would take to get them re-aligned – within yourselves, and with each other?  What if you were to remember that that other person, be they your Spouse/Partner, or your work colleague, are Heaven-sent beings that, in turn, reflect who you are as a Divine Consciousness?  To make it even simpler, what if you could never forget that that other person is someone you love?

What do you imagine that such an orientation would do to conflicts, disagreements, and misunderstandings?  Would it take you from the ego’s obsession with being right (or, more often, to not being wrong) to looking to an intolerance of win-lose scenarios…since you’d likely never be inclined to tell the Divine Force (whatever that is to and for you), “Sorry, but you’re wrong, I’m not…and, you LOSE, you schmuck!”

There’s a lot to write about this, but I’m going to just invite you, for now, to ponder this philosophical possibility, how you may be living it now, how you’re not, and what kind of Heaven on Earth existence might you be able to have when every relationship you’re in is an expression of THAT possibility.  When you look at the other person with whom you’re relating as an expression of Divine Consciousness, how petty can you really get (well, pretty petty if you’re PO’d enough, but it may help you get out of it a whole lot quicker).  If you’re willing to share your thoughts about it on my new Facebook Page, Recovering Your Relationship, I invite you to do so here.

Otherwise, be sure you at least share your thoughts and feelings about this with your loved ones, particularly your romantic partner…it can definitely take your relationship from mundane to magnificent and more sacred.

I’ve had many a stunning – and seemingly unfortunate – awareness over the years – or even in the last few weeks – of how I’ve been swimming pretty deeply in the river of denial.  Like everyone else I know that has such revelations, I found myself wanting to find some sort of Spiritual meaning in it.  Now, you might ask yourself, “What could possibly be Spiritual about denial?”  Of course, if you ARE asking yourself that, the the problem built into the question itself is that, if you knew the answer, you couldn’t be in denial anymore, right?  This is all no fun for the parts of our mind that regularly like to redeem frequent flyer miles from the Frequent Denial Program.  However, in life and in relationships, that shouldn’t keep you from looking at it.

One of the key things you and I have been in denial about at one time or another is how things are going in your relationship…not so much with your romantic partner (though that’s fertile ground for massive amounts of denial), but the most important relationship in your life…the one with yourself.  One of the reasons your mind likes you being in denial about THAT relationship is because it allows you to maintain an illusion that your ego’s very fond of: that there’s some place you’re going to arrive at (if you work hard enough at it) that will be that magical place where everything’s been healed, you’ve got everything figured out, your plans will now be guaranteed to come out just the way you want them to, and you now have a life ahead of you of unfettered joy and coasting.

Your ego doesn’t want you facing the possibility that what you may be going through in the way of challenges in your life is a recurrence of some pattern, some belief that you thought you’d gotten handled over the course of your 120 years of therapy you feel like you’ve done, and the 4,000 self-help books you’ve devoured in the endless pursuit of trying to fix and heal yourself.  The way to confirm this is to watch how often you say in your mind, “But, I’ve done SO much work on that” when you once again repeat a behavior pattern that’s plagued you for years.

Another way to gauge how much denial may be in the driver’s seat in your life is to see if you can track how hard you’re working to keep yourself distracted from your feelings and/or those of your Partner….and when you can’t distract yourself any longer, you’re often feeling resentment about how others are treating you, rather than take a realistic look at how you’re treating yourself.

If this is all hitting home for you in some way, then you may want to look at the great blessing, that’s bigger than you could imagine, of popping the denial bubbles.  As painful as it can be to come out of denial about anything, if you have the courage to go the distance with it, you have virtually unlimited potential for freedom and growth in every part of your life.

When it comes to relationship, if you can develop the habit of seeing EVERYTHING as it ACTUALLY is, with an open heart, then anything’s possible and anything can be shifted.

If you add to that the skill of taking 100% responsibility for everything that’s happening in your life (“Now, THAT one’s REALLY irritating” your ego is probably saying right now), you can bring so much more of yourself, your compassion, and your love to every relationship and begin healing the one with yourself more easily.  It’s hard to do that when you’re constantly looking at a Hall of Mirrors in between your ears.

In case you want to take this on as a practice for yourself, here’s a few common ways of interacting with life that indicate you may be in some pretty hefty denial:

• “It’s all up to me”
• “I HAVE to have the answers”
• “I’ll be a bad partner if I can’t figure it out by myself”
• “I’ve got it all under control”
• “Whatever’s going on, I can fix it, and don’t need to really let anyone know”

Whenever you’re catching yourself in any of those kinds of thoughts, and want to start enacting a “Get Real” approach that allows you to get realigned with the flow that your Spirit has in mind for you, try doing something as simple as noticing how long it’s been since you told your partner how much you love them and why; hug your children (because you really want to, rather than because you should); or let yourself consciously get moved to tears by someone else’s good fortune and love…and then, cry at your own good fortune to be loved by someone.

Doing any of those types of things that you’ve had in the deep freeze for awhile, and you will find yourself no longer going down the river of De-Nile without a paddle.

Ok, if you’re not a Pink Floyd fan – and/or haven’t listened to the Dark Side Of The Moon album (it’s been pointed out to me recently, by the way, how badly I’m dating myself by even using the term “album”) – this article may take you a bit more time to get in the groove of.

There’s a song on the Dark Side album called “Speak To Me/Breathe.” The first verse contains the following lyrics:

Breathe, breathe in the air
Don’t be afraid to care
Leave but don’t leave me
Look around, choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you’ll give and tears you’ll cry
And all your touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

Now, you may be wondering if I’ve lost my mind, using Pink Floyd as any kind of reference for how you can improve your relationship, but bear with me. What had me even begin to think of this song was a conversation I had with a friend recently about some relationship dynamics they were experiencing. The person was struggling with how to relate to, and be with, the current state of things in what could be a budding relationship without really knowing the “rules of the game.” Without certainty about where the other person involved is at about where their relationship is headed, or not, my friend was struggling with how to figure out how to be or what to do without a plan or a sure bead on where the other person “is at.”

Now, in any kind of currently “traditional” paradigm, you want to know where you stand…with your partner (if you have one), with your future, with your life plan, with your friends, with your job, etc. If you’re like a lot of people, the only surprises you really enjoy are parties, lottery winning, a free car and/or wardrobe, a free trip somewhere great, and – hopefully – an unexpected night of hot sex with your honey. So, to avoid any of the other kind of surprises, you consciously – and more often, unconsciously – try to manipulate, strategize, and “plan” what your future is going to look like. Then, when it doesn’t look like it may turn out how you’re planning it, you may even then go into trying to adjust variable and control it even more to get it “back on track,” right? When you go that route in your relationships, you’re likely to have a rough time. This is where Pink Floyd was really onto something in 1973.

When things are starting to feel rough with your Partner, how often do you start “dealing with it” by breathing? In fact, how often do you even pay attention to consciously breathing? I highly recommend trying it. It will get you in your body more, you’ll feel more (yes, including difficult feeling, but also including ecstatic ones), and it can even vastly improve your sex life! However, most of us simply react and go up into our strategic brain when things don’t look like they’re going to plan.

Some of you pretend you don’t care…but you really do. You just choose to hide it or withhold it (and what’s really going on for you, to boot). If you really care, you need to communicate that to your partner. If your Partner’s pissing you off, or hurting your feelings, you need to let them know you care. The passive-aggressive stoic route is way outdated. One way you can choose to go in that kind of situation and if you are withholding is to check out. So, “leave, but don’t leave me” can translate into go inside yourself…check in with your heart, gut, and mind to see what’s really triggered your reaction, take responsibility for what’s really your stuff, and then come back to your partner and fill them in on how you’re taking responsibility for your experience!

The lyric of “Look around, choose your own ground” is all about trying to bring FULL awareness to EVERYTHING going on around and in you. It’s about being fully present as much as possible with yourself and your partner. If you’re not, the ground you choose (i.e., how you’re likely to respond) is more likely than not to be distorted and full of projections. Choose what’s true for, and in, you…and, then communicate just that…not what you’ve already decided is true for your Partner.

The rest of the lyrics, to me, speak to the critical skill of recognizing that you (and your Partner) are neither your thoughts nor your opinions (and even perceptions, a lot of the time). To make a relationship work solely from the mind is certainly doable…but, watching paint dry is likely to be vastly more entertaining. To have a really juicy, vibrant, and dynamic relationship (or even life), I suggest you’ll do well to pay more attention to what your body tells you and knows…through all five senses and through all your feelings…they’re a much better reference point, in my experience. Your body cannot lie to you, no matter what. Your mind? That’s a whole ‘nother story.

Notice how much you’re trying to manage your life and your key relationships to some plan (which you’re never going to have a 100% guarantee of working out, no matter how hard you try), and try even a few days of ditching the plan…see how much more present to yourself and your partner you really are…and enjoy the moments more, rather than experiencing moments as benchmark measurements to gauge how well THE PLAN’s going.

One way that you can always find to do that, in one form or another, is to remember and make alive that love in its purest form – no matter who or what it’s attached to – is, in my opinion, an expression of the energy of the Divine (whatever that means to you…God, Budhha, the Universe, or even Ralph).  There is an Irish distinction about love that you can experiment with that may fill the bill of taking your love to an even deeper, more visceral experience…which is always the est medicine for what ails you in this roller coaster ride we call being human.

In 1997, former Catholic priest, John O’Donahue, wrote a bestselling book called Anam Cara: A Book Of Celtic Wisdom, with Anam Cara being a Celtic term for “Soul Friend.”  In the book, O’Donahue writes:

“The Anam Cara was a person to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an Anam Cara, your friendship cut across all convention and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the friend of your soul.”

Another anonymous writer has written this about Anam Cara:

“Your anam cara always beholds your light and beauty, and accepts you for who you truly are. In Celtic spirituality, the anam cara friendship awakens the fullness and mystery of your life. You are joined in an ancient and eternal union with humanity that cuts across all barriers of time, convention, philosophy, and definition. When you are blessed with an anam cara, the Irish believe, you have arrived at that most sacred place: ~HOME!”

Now, if you read those two quotes, do you get a sense of what love is at a level that’s got more profundity and depth than a Hallmark card?  Doesn’t it offer a different perspective on what any relationship can truly behold besides just “getting your needs met?”

I really believe that, if you were to focus much more on seeing and connecting with the anam cara’s in your life, and truly mined the depth that the very definition of anam cara illuminates, there would be a phenomenal difference in your life and on the planet.  This isn’t to minimize the value of conflict and differing opinions, needs, and wants…but, most of the time, you’re working those conflicts and differences out from the Ego’s agenda.

What could shift, and/or be richer, if you were to sort things out through the energyof being one’s anam cara?  What if your relationship was treated less as a thing that you “work on,” and more as a Soul vehicle that’s to be ongoingly nurtured and maintained for peak expressions, over and over again?  Your ego’s never going to be satisfied…it always wants more and better.  Your Spirit, however, has different criteria for satisfaction, and has much longer lasting feelings with infinite breadth to go with them. With an anam cara, that connection is always more than enough…yet, can always grow, without ever feeling insufficient.  How many other things in life do you experience that way?

So, let’s see how you can play with this whole notion.

For me, I have several anam cara’s, but my life partner, Sarah, is the one I’d have to say is at the top of the list, which may or may not be true for you.  But, if it is, let’s start there.  She literally fulfills on every aspect of the quotes above.   I don’t believe a true anam cara needs to fulfill every single facet of the attributes, but if someone mostly fills the bill, that’s likely to be close enough for government work.

So, I invite you to first make a list of each of the qualities/conditions that are laid out in the two quotes above about what an anam cara is and represents. Then, be sure you’re seeing how YOU may be your own anam cara (just as a fringe benefit). Then, make a list of all the people in your life who are that kind of soul friend for you, and jot down what that connection has brought you, and continues to, as an illumination of your own Soul’s flavor.  Lastly, look at how you’d want to honor and acknowledge that anam cara.  If you can’t think of anyone, then it’s indicative that you’ve got work to do to become your own soul friend.  If your partner isn’t on the list, it will reveal the edge of growth and learning available to you to explore.  But, if you’ve got anam cara’s that you intuitively feel would be hugely served to be honored as such, I have a ceremony that you can do that’s extremely moving and powerful.  If you’d like to get a copy of that (it’s too lengthy to place here), then simply drop me a line asking for it here.

To wrap up, the anam cara’s in our lives transcend and go beyond our love partners.  To me, it ideally begins with yourself…so, start there.  But, if you’re in a relationship with a Partner, or a friend, that’s struggling…see if they may fit the description of what anam cara is all about, and it may just give you a bigger game to play to connect more deeply than the normal “Who’s right and who’s wrong” paradigm that plagues most relationships.

I kid you not.

There is so much pressure surrounding Valentine’s Day that, for most people, it’s a complete flop, and something’s just not right about that.

Now, we all know that relationships can be hard work, but they don’t always need to be.  When you think about your relationship, are you by chance feeling guilty because your inner voice is asking you to take better care of yourself than your significant other?

Do you feel stifled and hemmed or confused and stuck about what you want, what you have, and how to bridge whatever difference between the two you may be settling for?

Is time with your partner getting harder to come by, or is it starting to seem like more trouble than it’s worth? (It’s ok to admit it.  Your relationship’s in trouble if you can’t, if it’s true.)

Maybe you spend more time talking logistics than what you appreciate about each other – if you’re even talking much at all these days.

As for sex – would you rather watch TV or just go back to bed and get more sleep?

Things just aren’t the way they were when you met.  I get it. It happens.

But here’s another truth.  Believe it or not, you can enjoy a deeper connection with your partner, no matter how little or how long you’ve been together. You CAN create a juicier future, filled with peace, harmony and complete fulfillment…a future (and present) that opens you both up so that you both feel more confident with each other, with what your relationship can be, and how you can keep stimulating each other (and I don’t just mean in the way that that implies).

Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Yeah, yeah…forget it.  It’s too late,” or “I don’t even know how or where to begin changing it!”

And, it just so happens I could have a solution for you.

I’m known as the Relationship Recovery Coach.  Why?  Because I’ve helped so many couples (and singles) get into, or back into, more loving, more magnetic, and utterly enchanted relationships…with each other, themselves, and their lives.

You’re never too old for enchantment, or to have your relationships and life transform to a whole new place of bliss.

I’ve spent the last 16 years helping thousands expand their lives, their careers, and best of all, their relationships with their partners and kids, from dull and blocked to caring and fulfilled.

My approach to helping couples – particularly couples that feel like their relationship is treading on thin ice but don’t feel ready to abandon it yet – involves:

· Guiding them into creating an entirely new vision for what their relationship can be

· Helping them get to the heart of the matter that most couples therapists don’t ever get to (FYI: 85% of the couples who come to me, after trying couples counseling to little or no success, are able to maintain a successful relationship).

· Helping them heal their real, underlying issues by providing concrete tools and techniques for heading them off if they ever come up again; and

· Working one-on-one with them to develop a solid Relationship Action Plan that will take them from what they’ve been settling for into truly embodying a fully inspired life that healthy relationships play such a huge part in and so much more!

To celebrate Valentine’s Day (and to help lower those disturbing statistics), I’m offering a limited number of Love & Relationship Breakthrough Sessions (valued at $375), *absolutely free* to my community and friends of my community.

It’s a full 75-minute session that is guaranteed to help you uncover the exact next steps for you and your partner to get back to feeling passion and awe, rather than boring and predictable.

In other words, no more blah.

You will walk away with a blueprint of precisely what you need to do next to have the relationship and connection you’re longing for.

To claim your session, email me here and write, “Valentine’s Day Gift For Me” in the subject line. I’ll get back to you ASAP to set it up.

I encourage you to act quickly. Valentine’s Day is almost here and my calendar is getting booked up quickly this time of year.

Have a great weekend, and a gloriously loving Valentine’s Day,

I was just reading a post on Facecrack that a dear friend of mine asked for some men to offer feedback on.  It was concerning an article she’d seen on a website discussing the differences between men and women, and how those differences made relationships challenging. The author was basically contending (and I’m in agreement, to a large degree) that men get into trouble in relationships because they really don’t know how to contribute their half/part of their emotional responsibilities towards feeding relationships.

His theory was that most men don’t adequately know their emotional landscape very well (that’s a fancy way of saying they live too much in their heads, and don’t really connect with their feelings enough).

Now, I could probably write a book about the differences between men and women, and how that impacts things in a straight relationship.  However, I’ve been thinking lately of what might happen if we stopped trying to figure out things in our relationships based on gender stereotypes or preconceptions (at best)?  I’ve heard a gazillion men and women say, “I’d sure be a lot happier if I could just figure out how [fill in the gender blank] think/work!”

I’m not arguing for or against the differences that are often cited about how men and women respond differently; however, just for the hell of it, what if you weren’t to look at it, or try to figure it out, from the perspective of how your partner’s different because of their genital make-up?

What if you were to navigate the choppy waters that arise from looking at thedifferences between you and your Partner not as gender-specific but more from the perspective of how PEOPLE are?  At the risk of grossly over-simplifying, while there are certainly genetic differences between men and women, I’m not so sure that the other differences are as much about equipment as they are about conditioning.

You know what?  Even if I’m completely full of it, I’m going to argue the point that, if you buy the notion that we’re all connected (otherwise known as the “Oneness” paradigm), then a way you can work better with your partner when you’re hitting major speed bumps together is to stop trying to relate to each other through the lens of how you’ve been conditioned to believe the other sex “thinks.” Hell, for that matter, trying to work through conflict solely on the basis of where your minds are at is also futile, for the most part…at least if you try to do it before you’ve started tuning in to how you’re each feeling.  Yes, I said “Feeling!” Try to relate to what’s happening as a “Person Thing.”

Women are often characterized by a lot of dudes as “overly emotional.”  I’ve heard a lot of women say, “Men think with their (ahem…) organ(s)” or “Men don’t feel the way we do.”  As a member of the Dude Club myself, it’s disingenuous to deny there’s a lot of people for whom those generalizations may be true.  However, there is definitely something shifting with men.  Like the title of this article says, “What’s up with men, anyway?”

Well, I really believe there is a large shift happening (yes, one amongst MANY) in men’s consciousness.  I believe it’s a shift that isn’t about men mutating differently, but that men’s conditioning is being challenged by men at a level I haven’t seen before en masse.  Men (at least the ones I know and work with in the Men’s Groups that I lead) are truly beginning to see that their minds are just NOT going to get them out of much, particularly with their women and relationships.  The new common ground really has to shift to being more inclusive of feeling into each other, and realizing that – male or female – the true desire of all desires, when you really cut underneath any of the bulls**t, is to feel connected…which does NOT happen in the mind, in my experience.

Here’s an excerpt from an email that a man in one of my groups shared with me (and the rest of the group) after our last meeting, where a great deal of vulnerability was shared by all:

“Disruption, de-stabilization…this is really what the Wise Ones mean when they speak of death and rebirth.  Humanity has been lower-mind dominated for thousands of years now. Finally, we are waking up.  Sure, sure, sure…there’s plenty to indicate otherwise. Need I even list the examples? Nope, let’s not go there; because, as long as we choose – us men – the connection to the Universal Spirit, the Divine, we shine through.

“Now, I can hear the skeptics, the cynics…I can hear them crystal clear. Giving away their power to the proverbial “Them.” Giving away power to “they.” Those people, out there, way out there, who somehow make decisions about the way things will really be.  You see, the thing about it is, an authentic connection between nine men and the Divine [which is what had happened at the last meeting of this Men's Circle the night before this man wrote this] is contagious. And, we are not the only ones. All over the globe people are waking up. What is new is this connection we are discovering with our Source and with each other. This connection, of course, is truly ancient, but we as a civilization, as a species, have gone through a profound disconnection with our Source. Now, we are finally returning home. 

“This connection is contagious. I give evidence that we all sat together last night and spoke of presence, of love and support, of growth and ambition, and clarity and surrender as if it was a natural matter of fact…as if it was a matter of fact that we should speak of these things and share all of this. This is the shift of consciousness that many pockets of the world are undergoing, right now. And all we have to do is not deny it…not give our power away to “them” and “they.” We are here, we are here now. The time is now.”

Now, whether you agree with this Man’s perspectives/opinions or not, you can see that he’s speaking from a place of passion, depth, heart, and clarity…qualities/energies that men are often taught are “weak,” or not manly, except on a sports field or in a corporate boardroom…yet, we ARE in a time – be it in terms of relationships with Partners, or other relationships in general – where transcending gender stereotypes is crucial and relying on gender conditioning is not going to cut it anymore.  You’re hard-wired for love and connection, and the old paradigms are clearly not working…so, are you willing to look newly at who you’re really sleeping with, underneath the surface (including yourself)?  You could be delightfully surprised at what you find.