A Way To Take Love Deeper

Given all the cachet given to Valentine’s Day, and how many traditions there are around what it means, how it should be celebrated, etc., I find that it can actually reduce the true experience of love to commercially determined parameters that don’t even come close to actually capturing what the love we have really has to offer.  As many common ways as there are to honor our Valentine/Partner, I am always searching for how to express and feel my love – be it for Sarah, my children, my friends – to new depths.

One way that you can always find to do that, in one form or another, is to remember and make alive that love in its purest form – no matter who or what it’s attached to – is, in my opinion, an expression of the energy of the Divine (whatever that means to you…God, Budhha, the Universe, or even Ralph).  There is an Irish distinction about love that you can experiment with that may fill the bill of taking your love to an even deeper, more visceral experience…which is always the est medicine for what ails you in this roller coaster ride we call being human.

In 1997, former Catholic priest, John O’Donahue, wrote a bestselling book called Anam Cara: A Book Of Celtic Wisdom, with Anam Cara being a Celtic term for “Soul Friend.”  In the book, O’Donahue writes:

“The Anam Cara was a person to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an Anam Cara, your friendship cut across all convention and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the friend of your soul.”

Another anonymous writer has written this about Anam Cara:

“Your anam cara always beholds your light and beauty, and accepts you for who you truly are. In Celtic spirituality, the anam cara friendship awakens the fullness and mystery of your life. You are joined in an ancient and eternal union with humanity that cuts across all barriers of time, convention, philosophy, and definition. When you are blessed with an anam cara, the Irish believe, you have arrived at that most sacred place: ~HOME!”

Now, if you read those two quotes, do you get a sense of what love is at a level that’s got more profundity and depth than a Hallmark card?  Doesn’t it offer a different perspective on what any relationship can truly behold besides just “getting your needs met?”

I really believe that, if you were to focus much more on seeing and connecting with the anam cara’s in your life, and truly mined the depth that the very definition of anam cara illuminates, there would be a phenomenal difference in your life and on the planet.  This isn’t to minimize the value of conflict and differing opinions, needs, and wants…but, most of the time, you’re working those conflicts and differences out from the Ego’s agenda.

What could shift, and/or be richer, if you were to sort things out through the energyof being one’s anam cara?  What if your relationship was treated less as a thing that you “work on,” and more as a Soul vehicle that’s to be ongoingly nurtured and maintained for peak expressions, over and over again?  Your ego’s never going to be satisfied…it always wants more and better.  Your Spirit, however, has different criteria for satisfaction, and has much longer lasting feelings with infinite breadth to go with them. With an anam cara, that connection is always more than enough…yet, can always grow, without ever feeling insufficient.  How many other things in life do you experience that way?

So, let’s see how you can play with this whole notion.

For me, I have several anam cara’s, but my life partner, Sarah, is the one I’d have to say is at the top of the list, which may or may not be true for you.  But, if it is, let’s start there.  She literally fulfills on every aspect of the quotes above.   I don’t believe a true anam cara needs to fulfill every single facet of the attributes, but if someone mostly fills the bill, that’s likely to be close enough for government work.

So, I invite you to first make a list of each of the qualities/conditions that are laid out in the two quotes above about what an anam cara is and represents. Then, be sure you’re seeing how YOU may be your own anam cara (just as a fringe benefit). Then, make a list of all the people in your life who are that kind of soul friend for you, and jot down what that connection has brought you, and continues to, as an illumination of your own Soul’s flavor.  Lastly, look at how you’d want to honor and acknowledge that anam cara.  If you can’t think of anyone, then it’s indicative that you’ve got work to do to become your own soul friend.  If your partner isn’t on the list, it will reveal the edge of growth and learning available to you to explore.  But, if you’ve got anam cara’s that you intuitively feel would be hugely served to be honored as such, I have a ceremony that you can do that’s extremely moving and powerful.  If you’d like to get a copy of that (it’s too lengthy to place here), then simply drop me a line asking for it here.

To wrap up, the anam cara’s in our lives transcend and go beyond our love partners.  To me, it ideally begins with yourself…so, start there.  But, if you’re in a relationship with a Partner, or a friend, that’s struggling…see if they may fit the description of what anam cara is all about, and it may just give you a bigger game to play to connect more deeply than the normal “Who’s right and who’s wrong” paradigm that plagues most relationships.

Love Is In the Air … Or Is It?

It’s pretty astonishing that the holiday most focused on celebrating love is the single biggest day when people talk divorce.

I kid you not.

There is so much pressure surrounding Valentine’s Day that, for most people, it’s a complete flop, and something’s just not right about that.

Now, we all know that relationships can be hard work, but they don’t always need to be.  When you think about your relationship, are you by chance feeling guilty because your inner voice is asking you to take better care of yourself than your significant other?

Do you feel stifled and hemmed or confused and stuck about what you want, what you have, and how to bridge whatever difference between the two you may be settling for?

Is time with your partner getting harder to come by, or is it starting to seem like more trouble than it’s worth? (It’s ok to admit it.  Your relationship’s in trouble if you can’t, if it’s true.)

Maybe you spend more time talking logistics than what you appreciate about each other – if you’re even talking much at all these days.

As for sex – would you rather watch TV or just go back to bed and get more sleep?

Things just aren’t the way they were when you met.  I get it. It happens.

But here’s another truth.  Believe it or not, you can enjoy a deeper connection with your partner, no matter how little or how long you’ve been together. You CAN create a juicier future, filled with peace, harmony and complete fulfillment…a future (and present) that opens you both up so that you both feel more confident with each other, with what your relationship can be, and how you can keep stimulating each other (and I don’t just mean in the way that that implies).

Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Yeah, yeah…forget it.  It’s too late,” or “I don’t even know how or where to begin changing it!”

And, it just so happens I could have a solution for you.

I’m known as the Relationship Recovery Coach.  Why?  Because I’ve helped so many couples (and singles) get into, or back into, more loving, more magnetic, and utterly enchanted relationships…with each other, themselves, and their lives.

You’re never too old for enchantment, or to have your relationships and life transform to a whole new place of bliss.

I’ve spent the last 16 years helping thousands expand their lives, their careers, and best of all, their relationships with their partners and kids, from dull and blocked to caring and fulfilled.

My approach to helping couples – particularly couples that feel like their relationship is treading on thin ice but don’t feel ready to abandon it yet – involves:

· Guiding them into creating an entirely new vision for what their relationship can be

· Helping them get to the heart of the matter that most couples therapists don’t ever get to (FYI: 85% of the couples who come to me, after trying couples counseling to little or no success, are able to maintain a successful relationship).

· Helping them heal their real, underlying issues by providing concrete tools and techniques for heading them off if they ever come up again; and

· Working one-on-one with them to develop a solid Relationship Action Plan that will take them from what they’ve been settling for into truly embodying a fully inspired life that healthy relationships play such a huge part in and so much more!

To celebrate Valentine’s Day (and to help lower those disturbing statistics), I’m offering a limited number of Love & Relationship Breakthrough Sessions (valued at $375), *absolutely free* to my community and friends of my community.

It’s a full 75-minute session that is guaranteed to help you uncover the exact next steps for you and your partner to get back to feeling passion and awe, rather than boring and predictable.

In other words, no more blah.

You will walk away with a blueprint of precisely what you need to do next to have the relationship and connection you’re longing for.

To claim your session, email me here and write, “Valentine’s Day Gift For Me” in the subject line. I’ll get back to you ASAP to set it up.

I encourage you to act quickly. Valentine’s Day is almost here and my calendar is getting booked up quickly this time of year.

Have a great weekend, and a gloriously loving Valentine’s Day,

What’s Up With Men, Anyway?

I was just reading a post on Facecrack that a dear friend of mine asked for some men to offer feedback on.  It was concerning an article she’d seen on a website discussing the differences between men and women, and how those differences made relationships challenging. The author was basically contending (and I’m in agreement, to a large degree) that men get into trouble in relationships because they really don’t know how to contribute their half/part of their emotional responsibilities towards feeding relationships.

His theory was that most men don’t adequately know their emotional landscape very well (that’s a fancy way of saying they live too much in their heads, and don’t really connect with their feelings enough).

Now, I could probably write a book about the differences between men and women, and how that impacts things in a straight relationship.  However, I’ve been thinking lately of what might happen if we stopped trying to figure out things in our relationships based on gender stereotypes or preconceptions (at best)?  I’ve heard a gazillion men and women say, “I’d sure be a lot happier if I could just figure out how [fill in the gender blank] think/work!”

I’m not arguing for or against the differences that are often cited about how men and women respond differently; however, just for the hell of it, what if you weren’t to look at it, or try to figure it out, from the perspective of how your partner’s different because of their genital make-up?

What if you were to navigate the choppy waters that arise from looking at thedifferences between you and your Partner not as gender-specific but more from the perspective of how PEOPLE are?  At the risk of grossly over-simplifying, while there are certainly genetic differences between men and women, I’m not so sure that the other differences are as much about equipment as they are about conditioning.

You know what?  Even if I’m completely full of it, I’m going to argue the point that, if you buy the notion that we’re all connected (otherwise known as the “Oneness” paradigm), then a way you can work better with your partner when you’re hitting major speed bumps together is to stop trying to relate to each other through the lens of how you’ve been conditioned to believe the other sex “thinks.” Hell, for that matter, trying to work through conflict solely on the basis of where your minds are at is also futile, for the most part…at least if you try to do it before you’ve started tuning in to how you’re each feeling.  Yes, I said “Feeling!” Try to relate to what’s happening as a “Person Thing.”

Women are often characterized by a lot of dudes as “overly emotional.”  I’ve heard a lot of women say, “Men think with their (ahem…) organ(s)” or “Men don’t feel the way we do.”  As a member of the Dude Club myself, it’s disingenuous to deny there’s a lot of people for whom those generalizations may be true.  However, there is definitely something shifting with men.  Like the title of this article says, “What’s up with men, anyway?”

Well, I really believe there is a large shift happening (yes, one amongst MANY) in men’s consciousness.  I believe it’s a shift that isn’t about men mutating differently, but that men’s conditioning is being challenged by men at a level I haven’t seen before en masse.  Men (at least the ones I know and work with in the Men’s Groups that I lead) are truly beginning to see that their minds are just NOT going to get them out of much, particularly with their women and relationships.  The new common ground really has to shift to being more inclusive of feeling into each other, and realizing that – male or female – the true desire of all desires, when you really cut underneath any of the bulls**t, is to feel connected…which does NOT happen in the mind, in my experience.

Here’s an excerpt from an email that a man in one of my groups shared with me (and the rest of the group) after our last meeting, where a great deal of vulnerability was shared by all:

“Disruption, de-stabilization…this is really what the Wise Ones mean when they speak of death and rebirth.  Humanity has been lower-mind dominated for thousands of years now. Finally, we are waking up.  Sure, sure, sure…there’s plenty to indicate otherwise. Need I even list the examples? Nope, let’s not go there; because, as long as we choose – us men – the connection to the Universal Spirit, the Divine, we shine through.

“Now, I can hear the skeptics, the cynics…I can hear them crystal clear. Giving away their power to the proverbial “Them.” Giving away power to “they.” Those people, out there, way out there, who somehow make decisions about the way things will really be.  You see, the thing about it is, an authentic connection between nine men and the Divine [which is what had happened at the last meeting of this Men's Circle the night before this man wrote this] is contagious. And, we are not the only ones. All over the globe people are waking up. What is new is this connection we are discovering with our Source and with each other. This connection, of course, is truly ancient, but we as a civilization, as a species, have gone through a profound disconnection with our Source. Now, we are finally returning home. 

“This connection is contagious. I give evidence that we all sat together last night and spoke of presence, of love and support, of growth and ambition, and clarity and surrender as if it was a natural matter of fact…as if it was a matter of fact that we should speak of these things and share all of this. This is the shift of consciousness that many pockets of the world are undergoing, right now. And all we have to do is not deny it…not give our power away to “them” and “they.” We are here, we are here now. The time is now.”

Now, whether you agree with this Man’s perspectives/opinions or not, you can see that he’s speaking from a place of passion, depth, heart, and clarity…qualities/energies that men are often taught are “weak,” or not manly, except on a sports field or in a corporate boardroom…yet, we ARE in a time – be it in terms of relationships with Partners, or other relationships in general – where transcending gender stereotypes is crucial and relying on gender conditioning is not going to cut it anymore.  You’re hard-wired for love and connection, and the old paradigms are clearly not working…so, are you willing to look newly at who you’re really sleeping with, underneath the surface (including yourself)?  You could be delightfully surprised at what you find.

Fizzle to Sizzle

To provide the best practices for living in loving intimacy with partners, From Fizzle to Sizzle is that kind of eye-opening, spectacular experience that offers YOU offer practical, hands-on tools and strategies for relationship repair and reconnection. Enroll here now!

4 Core Values That Foster Good Relationships

In our personal and professional relationships, a set of basic core values serves to guide our relationships, whether parenting, partners, or friends. In the world of relationships, these four values are words of action, not just a mental representation of some nice thing. Since values are abstract to many people, here is the way adults in relationships can make values work with your friends, children, colleagues or lovers. See these values as sequenced strategies to repairing relationships.

Connection – to be linked or bonded to another person or people.

When a child is born, the bonding process involves touch, empathy and positive regard. Empathy is established through eye contact with the baby, which programs the brain to recognize, connect, and feel the parent or caregiver. Empathy and positive regard for the child are also connected through conversation, cuddling, holding, movement (walking and rocking). When a parent treat and speaks to the babe or toddler with kindness, softness, love, tenderness, the child feels valued and develops an emotional foundation for feeling safe, cherished, respected, cared for. Our bodies grow and change, and out human needs for attachment to a loving person and bonding to establish feelings of connection do not change.

Think of the most horrible anguish a child can experience: feeling abandoned, feeling tiny and disrespected through being yelled at, treated like an object, dismissed, hit, screamed at, and threatened. These are emotional memories in the making that will hijack this child as an adult.

Do you think adults feel any different? Each person’s core needs are to be met, and when not met, the pattern for emotional abandonment is triggered. You are hardwired for relationships and feeling connected is a priority for communication and commitment.

Question for Your Review: HOW do you feel connected to those most important relations?

Communication - as a value, communication is more than sending a message or conversing. As a value, this means to be in rapport with someone is to be aligned.

Being aligned in the gut with each other helps you feel safe. Being aligned in the heart with each other helps you feel loved or valued. Being aligned in the head with each other implies no judgment, acceptance and the ability to share, argue, debate, and plan without taking it personally.

To be in rapport means you

•       Can disagree without being disagreeable,
•       Make an effort to control your emotional hijacking and not dump on another,
•       Can move away from the need to be right and shift to listening, being open or reflective
•       Can be objective, even while being emotional.

Question for Your Review: HOW high do you rank communication as a core value in your relationships? We suggest you make it number 1 on your values list for one month and cultivate this quality within yourself. See how your relations improve.

Courage - to be brave – to have guts, audacity, valor, going forth or moving ahead despite fear

We believe that relationships absolutely requires guts, especially for you types that love harmony, peace, and not making waves, or you who love to escape pressures of modern relationships. Others need courage to face the world, step into and participate actively in their relationships. And others can be fearless, so you might not believe that you need courage. You might be right in that your achievements speak to bravery, but do you need more courage to be sensitive in your relationships, where you dismiss sensitivity and feelings.

Even if you feel like a total wimp, frightened or like a doormat, list courage as a value. Each morning, repeat your mantra of courage in action.

•       I am courage in action.
•       I have courage to face…
•       I see courage in my eyes.
•       My act of courage to day will be…

Question for your review – How are you courageous in facing your fears and moving through any emotional hijacking situations?

Commitment – to pledge or promise to follow through, accepting a responsibility

Some people might take commitment more lightly than their partner or child would like. That is because you might make promises that you can’t keep in a reasonable length if time. Some people get caught up in their actions and visions and planning. Others get overwhelmed and put promises on the backburner. While others shift priorities like the wind and may even forget if you are out of their sight and out of mind.

This happens because all of you have good intentions. You make commitments fully intending to keep them, but…life happens. Those to whom you commit can only assume you have forgotten unless you take some sort of action like communicate, make an action plan or settle on a date for delivery.

When you forget the promise, the person in relation to you can feel disrespected and devalued. If that is not the result that you want in your relationships, then add a timeline to the commitment that you make.

Responsibility, then, is the twin to Commitment and means that you can be counted on, depended upon to follow through, complete the task or commitment, and be accountable for doing so.

Assessment of these core 4 values in your relationships provides a compass for you to be authentic and aware enough to fully enjoy and be fulfilled.

Shame In Action (Or Inaction) 

When something happens to us that hurts our feelings, makes us mad, scares us, or – for me, in particular – proves to be very disappointing, shame is usually triggered.  ”I’m not enough,” “They don’t like me,” “They don’t know what they’re missing,” “I screwed up, and am paying the price” “I can’t really do it, so to hell with it,”, etc. Are any of those part of your emotional response repertoire (as they can be for me)?  If so, how do you respond to it?  Are you even consciously aware of that being what’s happening when you suddenly put on the brakes with your dreams, your ambitions, your passion, and/or your work?  Does procrastination set in, aided by the subtle yet insidious helpmate, distraction?

If the answer is yes to those last two questions, then you can use that state as an indicator for you…an indicator that you’re in the midst of a shame attack.  When this happens to me, and I know from years of working with people on these issues, that I’m not alone…AND, I am no longer present.  I don’t just mean present in the room; I’m talking, not even in 2011.  I’m not really reacting to a current situation from my older, wiser, 53-year-old self.

No, I’m feeling and acting (or not acting) from a very young part of myself. I’ve been triggered into a wound, or wounds, that go back many decades. When that happens, I will often find myself responding from the same menu of responses that I first learned as a child, mostly from my parents.  When my mom got disappointed as I was growing up (and through her whole life, really), her stock response was to get mad or devastatedly hurt, which was almost always followed by her taking her energy away, usually into depression.  It was always about her wounds, but to cope with it, she had to first make it all about the other party who had (usually) inadvertently disappointed her.

I’m blessed to have finally outgrown adopting that particular habit of making it all be about the other “offending” party as a regular practice.  However, it’s become so easy to go radically to the other extreme, where it must ALWAYS be about me.  Either way, the egoic conceit and emotional hobbling that either side of the spectrum engenders ends up being crippling…unless we’re paying attention, learning to discern the difference between healthy shame and self-flagellating shame, and can better master discerning between when

These are the lessons I’ve seen this week – as I’ve ended up doing so much of what I learned from my family to and with myself – that I still get to keep learning and practicing at ever greater depths, in spite of my ego’s desire to feel it’s all handled.  And, you?

What Do You REALLY Want?

To continue addressing what I started in last week’s Feature Article, “What COULD The Holidays Be Like,” let’s take a look at one of the biggest things that gets in the way of you really getting a healthy dose of blissful connection with your Partner and with others you really love and treasure during the Holidays (not to mention the rest of the year).

Does this woman to the left look like you, and/or how you feel, at all during this time of year? If it’s ringing a bell for you, how often do you find yourself just feeling like you have no choice…”it’s just got to be (fill in the blank…’done,’ ‘gotten through,’ ‘survived,” etc.)”  You may be finding that that coming up more and more these days, as we are now only 3 weeks from Christmas Eve.

Part of what seems to cause this for so many is the automatic nature of how we relate to and handle this time of year, every year…both individually and within our relationships.  With friendships, for example, you may be finding yourself saying, more and more, “Let’s get together after the Holidays…we are just so swamped until we get through them.” Notice that?  “Until we get through them?”  Doesn’t that just get you all excited for the Holiday Season?  And, if you’re saying that to your friends, I’ll bet you dollars to donuts, you’re saying it to your Partner, whether it’s directly or indirectly. That’s a big part of why so many relationships get so strained and ding-ed this time of year.

A constant sense of overwhelm, and/or not enough time often becomes the rule of the day, rather than what the Holidays are supposed to be about, which – to me – is connection, love, gratitude, and service (at least in my opinion).  It doesn’t need to keep feeling like you have no choices.  This is, by the way, another consistent culprit in relationship distress…one or the other of you feeling like you’re “stuck” in something, and “can’t” get out of it.  The holidays often accentuate that habit, because – after all – there are Holiday Traditions to uphold and honor!!

Yet, whose traditions are those, anyway?  And, if you’re upholding them, are you doing it out of obligation, trying to keep others happy, or to avoid conflict? When was the last time you and your partner sat down and actually talked about the Holiday plans as if you TRULY could do whatever you wanted?

I know it’s a pain to deal with family’s desires, traditions, etc., but I suggest it’s most important that you start from a place of being committed to each other’s individual and collective desires of what you REALLY want this time of year to be about, how you want it to feel, and what you want it to mean for your lives.

I suggest you look at that for yourselves individually first, and then pick a time (SOON) to sit down together, uninterrupted, and ask each other what you really want for your relationship to get for Christmas.  Start there! That should include what you both want to feel like (and your kids, if you have them) during – and after – the holidays…how you want to feel when you’re together, what you want to do together, and what you want to take into the New Year for your relationship that can begin by how you take charge of this time right now and over the next three weeks.

Once you’ve done that, then share what each of you wrote for what you each want individually, for now and next year, even.  See how much similarity

and/or difference there is between your lists.  Then, brainstorm together how you feel you can best integrate those lists together within what you each want collectively for your Partnership.  If conflict arises, remember you have choices, and those choices are YOURS…not your friends’, not your relatives, and not your parents’.

If you just start there, that alone will make a tremendous impact on how you feel these next 3-4 weeks. One thing’s for sure: doing that will likely help you avoid the need to use the Stress Reduction Kit shown on the right.

So, there’s one significant tip for you to practice. See how it serves you and your loved ones.  Going from being a victim of the Holidays to being a co-creator of the Holidays is your birthright.  Why not take advantage of it?

If you want to get several more tips on how you can make the Holidays an enormous gift to your life and your relationship/marriage, then be sure to read about the class I’m teaching online over the next two weeks to help you get just that, and more. It’s in the “What’s Geoff Up To Next” section.

What COULD The Holidays Mean?

In the last few days before Thanksgiving, I’ve been working with some couples and families who are heading into “The Holidays” not with joy and anticipation, but feeling the impact of family division and in high conflict, as well as some who have decided to split up/divorce…not the place that you want to be at ANY time, but certainly not the place you hope to be (or have your kids be) going into this time of year.  In addition, I uncovered some sad, and somewhat shocking, information about what’s happening with relationships “out there,” not just in my sphere of influence.

In the U.S., according to one study, roughly 88% of singles will eventually marry, but only 28% will end up living “happily ever after” (whatever that means, and by whose definitions of that term).  The divorce rate for first-time marrieds is over 70%.  If that wasn’t bad enough, the holiday period of Christmas & New Year’s is second only to Valentine’s Day in the incidences of divorce filings.  It’s been long known that December is also a month where depression and even suicide reaches higher levels than at any time of year.  It’s not exactly “Miracle on 42nd Street” or “It’s A Wonderful Life” is it?

Now, before you go reaching for a drink after reading all that, this piece today is to call out a different possibility for this year’s Holiday.  It does NOT have to be what you don’t want, or dread, it to be.  In fact, I’ve come to see that a lot of what can really make this time of year so damn difficult for you is if you take it for granted that all the past Holidays you’ve had are an automatic indicator of future results.  As cliched as it may seem, the Holidays really can be what you want them to be.  The emphasis though has to be “What you want them to be,” with the corollary added that says, “…and what you decide they’ll be like.”

While I know tradition seems to be highly valued in our culture, they also can keep you (and your Holiday choices) rooted in a past that’s incongruent with where and how the current you want to be.  So, I invite you to try this first step out, and see if it opens up a renewed sense of potentiality that gets you and your Partner excited about, rather than dreading, what’s coming up.

Another key way to change the Holiday game, as it were, is to actually go into the Holidays with the guiding perspective being, “How can I make my relationship with my Partner not only the best Christmas present to both of us that I could get (not buy), but have the Holidays be the best gift for It?”  If you’re interested in exploring THAT one, then you’ll want to consider the online class I’ll be teaching December 6th, 13th, and 15th that will help you do just that.  To find out more, I invite you to read about the complimentary call I’ll be doing this coming Thursday to share more about what I’ll be teaching and what it could do for your marriage/relationship below in the “What’s Geoff Up To Next” section.

Being Well By Well Be-ing

As mentioned earlier this issue, Thanksgiving is a time that, ideally, is about all the qualities/feelings you see to the left. Yet, it is often a time where stress levels go up (along with waist lines), dread comes up, and a lot of you just end up going through the motions to “get through” the holiday (at least until you can get to the ski slopes).

May I abide in well-being

In freedom from affliction

In freedom from hostility

In freedom from ill-will

In freedom from anxiety

And may I maintain well-being in myself.

May everyone abide in well-being

In freedom from affliction

In freedom from hostility

In freedom from ill-will

In freedom from anxiety

And may they maintain well-being in themselves.

May all beings be released from all suffering

And may they not be parted from

The good fortune they have attained.

When they act upon intention

All being are the owners of their action

And inherit its results.

Their future is born from such action

Companion to such action

And its results will be their home.

All actions with intention,

Be they skillful or harmful,

Of such acts, they will be the heirs.

If you were to not only say this every day, but were to think of it, and invoke its sentiments, whenever you’re finding yourself irritated at your partner, one of your kids, or a family member, pay attention to what happens inside to the negative feelings and thoughts. It just may fill you with both relief and deeper love that can come from letting go of believing you’re responsible for how anyone else is feeling and/or doing, and embracing that you have the gift of blessing them for their experience and owning your own as an equal opportunity blessing.

Why Me?!

I want you to imagine something. Imagine that you’re a solid, upstanding citizen of your Country. You decide to enlist in the Armed Forces, and end up serving for 18 years, faithfully, bravely, and with repeated valor. Then, just before you’re due to retire, you get captured behind enemy lines on what’s to be your final combat mission. Your comrades captured with you are killed. You are thrown into a jail cell that’s 6 by 8 meters…with 48 other people.

I’ll Take The Fifth, Your Honor!

Sometimes, less is more.  If you apply that maxim to relationships, what kinds of questions or thoughts does that conjure up for you?  Where do you imagine that would be true for you and your partner? Maybe it could apply to how much time you both spend distracting yourselves…maybe it’s about ways you complicate things that don’t need to be complicated!

One area where you run a large risk of having the less-is-more idea NOT work is when it comes to communicating things that are keeping you both from being able to feel connected to each other.  Now, this isn’t based on the notion that we’re connected 24/7 to our partners (though I do think that’s emotionally and spiritually possible).  This is based on the idea that little things we don’t communicate gradually build into habitually withheld communication that eats away at a relationship as surely – and slowly – as any kind of cancer.

That may sound dramatic, but it probably isn’t.  When you think about (if you think about it) the fact that your passion (and I don’t mean just sexual passion) for your partner is feeling kind of lean and flat, how often does it boil down to upsets you have with him/her?  Odds are, you very well may not know that that’s the case…you may be like a lot of people, who mostly just notice that the feelings aren’t as strong or as accessible.  The mistake you can make, if that’s what’s happening for you with your partner, is thinking that that means there’s a fatal flaw in the relationship.  While that could be the case, what’s more likely is that you have not been telling the truth to yourself, or to your partner, about any number of things – big or “little” – that have been eating at you for God knows how long.  You have been denying your and your partner the opportunity to have each other, and your relationship, grow, and thrive.

If you commonly hear yourself saying things to yourself like, “I don’t want to upset them,” or “It’s just easier to keep it to myself,” or even, “It won’t do any good or make any difference, anyway”, don’t kid yourself.  Firstly, the one you’re really trying to protect is you, and it could cost you your relationship/marriage.  You’re the one whose feelings you’re trying to care take, particularly if it means you have to confront scary or unpleasant aspects you judge about yourself.  When you do that, you’re projecting your “stuff” about reactions onto your partner – even if they do, in fact, get reactive.  In essence, you choose to take the Fifth so as not to incriminate yourself!

I was taught that it wasn’t spiritually cool to tell people things that would cause them harm, for no apparent good.  An example of that would be telling your partner that you’ve always hated their hair, just because you’re pissed off and feel like lashing out at someone.  But, what I see causing horrible conflict – and even divorces – is holding back on communicating what you’re thinking and feeling about things and issues that – were they to be talked out, even if it happens with some heat around it – have every potential to bring you both into greater intimacy and connection on the other side of whatever tensions may first arise.

As an example that I hear about quite frequently from clients, a lot of you aren’t telling your partners the truth about what you really want or what you don’t want, particularly in the areas of being supported with the day-to-day demands of balancing work and home obligations, getting reminded you’re loved, and in the bedroom.  Even worse: there are some of you reading this who may not be telling your partner that your frustration and unhappiness levels have reached a point where you have one foot out the door. By the time things have gotten that bad, make no mistake about it…you’ve played a huge part in creating it to be that bad, by not giving your partner a chance to know what they’re doing or not doing that really makes a huge impact on your emotional well-being and ability to be emotionally intimate.

They can’t look for themselves at what may be transformable without hearing that something’s not working.  And, if you’re thinking that they should be able to figure it out by how you’re withholding your affection, sex, and/or energy, you’re on a road to nowhere, to quote the Talking Heads.

So, what to do?  While a very complicated topic, here’s a couple of simple places to start:

• Get clear on just what exactly you’re unhappy about…then, look and see what the expectation was that triggered you being upset at not having fulfilled (e.g., hoping your partner would take you to a nice dinner on your birthday, which they didn’t do, which then got you disappointed and passive-aggressively withdrawing your energy from them for a few days).
• Look at how you could’ve communicated that expectation, why you didn’t, how often you don’t, and then take full responsibility for that pattern and resolve to both work on it and share that you have it with your partner.
• Then, share with your partner what you’re learning about YOURSELF, not THEM…and how you want to explore changing that behavior, with their explicitly requested support.

If, like an unfortunately large number of people, you’ve avoided doing this for so long that you’re more in touch with your resentment towards your partner than you are your love for them, you need to reach out for help to someone who can help you both disentangle yourself from the webs you’ve woven with each other without even realizing it.  Clearing up weeks, months, or years of what you haven’t said or handled with each other really requires help from a good Relationships Coach (if you’re reading this, you may even know of one close by!) that can set it up and guide you to do it in a way – and within a context – that optimizes you both getting closer rather than farther apart.

Remember, like many things in life, if you don’t take risks, you just stay where you are…and, if where you are isn’t working, wake yourself up from the stupor that has you thinking that if you do nothing long enough, it will work itself out.  That’s just a crock…it WILL NOT…or, if it does, it will be getting worked out by lawyers more likely than not.  Is that what you signed up for when you committed to your relationship?