I was just reading a post on Facecrack that a dear friend of mine asked for some men to offer feedback on.  It was concerning an article she’d seen on a website discussing the differences between men and women, and how those differences made relationships challenging. The author was basically contending (and I’m in agreement, to a large degree) that men get into trouble in relationships because they really don’t know how to contribute their half/part of their emotional responsibilities towards feeding relationships.

His theory was that most men don’t adequately know their emotional landscape very well (that’s a fancy way of saying they live too much in their heads, and don’t really connect with their feelings enough).

Now, I could probably write a book about the differences between men and women, and how that impacts things in a straight relationship.  However, I’ve been thinking lately of what might happen if we stopped trying to figure out things in our relationships based on gender stereotypes or preconceptions (at best)?  I’ve heard a gazillion men and women say, “I’d sure be a lot happier if I could just figure out how [fill in the gender blank] think/work!”

I’m not arguing for or against the differences that are often cited about how men and women respond differently; however, just for the hell of it, what if you weren’t to look at it, or try to figure it out, from the perspective of how your partner’s different because of their genital make-up?

What if you were to navigate the choppy waters that arise from looking at thedifferences between you and your Partner not as gender-specific but more from the perspective of how PEOPLE are?  At the risk of grossly over-simplifying, while there are certainly genetic differences between men and women, I’m not so sure that the other differences are as much about equipment as they are about conditioning.

You know what?  Even if I’m completely full of it, I’m going to argue the point that, if you buy the notion that we’re all connected (otherwise known as the “Oneness” paradigm), then a way you can work better with your partner when you’re hitting major speed bumps together is to stop trying to relate to each other through the lens of how you’ve been conditioned to believe the other sex “thinks.” Hell, for that matter, trying to work through conflict solely on the basis of where your minds are at is also futile, for the most part…at least if you try to do it before you’ve started tuning in to how you’re each feeling.  Yes, I said “Feeling!” Try to relate to what’s happening as a “Person Thing.”

Women are often characterized by a lot of dudes as “overly emotional.”  I’ve heard a lot of women say, “Men think with their (ahem…) organ(s)” or “Men don’t feel the way we do.”  As a member of the Dude Club myself, it’s disingenuous to deny there’s a lot of people for whom those generalizations may be true.  However, there is definitely something shifting with men.  Like the title of this article says, “What’s up with men, anyway?”

Well, I really believe there is a large shift happening (yes, one amongst MANY) in men’s consciousness.  I believe it’s a shift that isn’t about men mutating differently, but that men’s conditioning is being challenged by men at a level I haven’t seen before en masse.  Men (at least the ones I know and work with in the Men’s Groups that I lead) are truly beginning to see that their minds are just NOT going to get them out of much, particularly with their women and relationships.  The new common ground really has to shift to being more inclusive of feeling into each other, and realizing that – male or female – the true desire of all desires, when you really cut underneath any of the bulls**t, is to feel connected…which does NOT happen in the mind, in my experience.

Here’s an excerpt from an email that a man in one of my groups shared with me (and the rest of the group) after our last meeting, where a great deal of vulnerability was shared by all:

“Disruption, de-stabilization…this is really what the Wise Ones mean when they speak of death and rebirth.  Humanity has been lower-mind dominated for thousands of years now. Finally, we are waking up.  Sure, sure, sure…there’s plenty to indicate otherwise. Need I even list the examples? Nope, let’s not go there; because, as long as we choose – us men – the connection to the Universal Spirit, the Divine, we shine through.

“Now, I can hear the skeptics, the cynics…I can hear them crystal clear. Giving away their power to the proverbial “Them.” Giving away power to “they.” Those people, out there, way out there, who somehow make decisions about the way things will really be.  You see, the thing about it is, an authentic connection between nine men and the Divine [which is what had happened at the last meeting of this Men's Circle the night before this man wrote this] is contagious. And, we are not the only ones. All over the globe people are waking up. What is new is this connection we are discovering with our Source and with each other. This connection, of course, is truly ancient, but we as a civilization, as a species, have gone through a profound disconnection with our Source. Now, we are finally returning home. 

“This connection is contagious. I give evidence that we all sat together last night and spoke of presence, of love and support, of growth and ambition, and clarity and surrender as if it was a natural matter of fact…as if it was a matter of fact that we should speak of these things and share all of this. This is the shift of consciousness that many pockets of the world are undergoing, right now. And all we have to do is not deny it…not give our power away to “them” and “they.” We are here, we are here now. The time is now.”

Now, whether you agree with this Man’s perspectives/opinions or not, you can see that he’s speaking from a place of passion, depth, heart, and clarity…qualities/energies that men are often taught are “weak,” or not manly, except on a sports field or in a corporate boardroom…yet, we ARE in a time – be it in terms of relationships with Partners, or other relationships in general – where transcending gender stereotypes is crucial and relying on gender conditioning is not going to cut it anymore.  You’re hard-wired for love and connection, and the old paradigms are clearly not working…so, are you willing to look newly at who you’re really sleeping with, underneath the surface (including yourself)?  You could be delightfully surprised at what you find.

To provide the best practices for living in loving intimacy with partners, From Fizzle to Sizzle is that kind of eye-opening, spectacular experience that offers YOU offer practical, hands-on tools and strategies for relationship repair and reconnection. Enroll here now!

4 Core Values That Foster Good Relationships

In our personal and professional relationships, a set of basic core values serves to guide our relationships, whether parenting, partners, or friends. In the world of relationships, these four values are words of action, not just a mental representation of some nice thing. Since values are abstract to many people, here is the way adults in relationships can make values work with your friends, children, colleagues or lovers. See these values as sequenced strategies to repairing relationships.

Connection – to be linked or bonded to another person or people.

When a child is born, the bonding process involves touch, empathy and positive regard. Empathy is established through eye contact with the baby, which programs the brain to recognize, connect, and feel the parent or caregiver. Empathy and positive regard for the child are also connected through conversation, cuddling, holding, movement (walking and rocking). When a parent treat and speaks to the babe or toddler with kindness, softness, love, tenderness, the child feels valued and develops an emotional foundation for feeling safe, cherished, respected, cared for. Our bodies grow and change, and out human needs for attachment to a loving person and bonding to establish feelings of connection do not change.

Think of the most horrible anguish a child can experience: feeling abandoned, feeling tiny and disrespected through being yelled at, treated like an object, dismissed, hit, screamed at, and threatened. These are emotional memories in the making that will hijack this child as an adult.

Do you think adults feel any different? Each person’s core needs are to be met, and when not met, the pattern for emotional abandonment is triggered. You are hardwired for relationships and feeling connected is a priority for communication and commitment.

Question for Your Review: HOW do you feel connected to those most important relations?

Communication - as a value, communication is more than sending a message or conversing. As a value, this means to be in rapport with someone is to be aligned.

Being aligned in the gut with each other helps you feel safe. Being aligned in the heart with each other helps you feel loved or valued. Being aligned in the head with each other implies no judgment, acceptance and the ability to share, argue, debate, and plan without taking it personally.

To be in rapport means you

•       Can disagree without being disagreeable,
•       Make an effort to control your emotional hijacking and not dump on another,
•       Can move away from the need to be right and shift to listening, being open or reflective
•       Can be objective, even while being emotional.

Question for Your Review: HOW high do you rank communication as a core value in your relationships? We suggest you make it number 1 on your values list for one month and cultivate this quality within yourself. See how your relations improve.

Courage - to be brave – to have guts, audacity, valor, going forth or moving ahead despite fear

We believe that relationships absolutely requires guts, especially for you types that love harmony, peace, and not making waves, or you who love to escape pressures of modern relationships. Others need courage to face the world, step into and participate actively in their relationships. And others can be fearless, so you might not believe that you need courage. You might be right in that your achievements speak to bravery, but do you need more courage to be sensitive in your relationships, where you dismiss sensitivity and feelings.

Even if you feel like a total wimp, frightened or like a doormat, list courage as a value. Each morning, repeat your mantra of courage in action.

•       I am courage in action.
•       I have courage to face…
•       I see courage in my eyes.
•       My act of courage to day will be…

Question for your review – How are you courageous in facing your fears and moving through any emotional hijacking situations?

Commitment – to pledge or promise to follow through, accepting a responsibility

Some people might take commitment more lightly than their partner or child would like. That is because you might make promises that you can’t keep in a reasonable length if time. Some people get caught up in their actions and visions and planning. Others get overwhelmed and put promises on the backburner. While others shift priorities like the wind and may even forget if you are out of their sight and out of mind.

This happens because all of you have good intentions. You make commitments fully intending to keep them, but…life happens. Those to whom you commit can only assume you have forgotten unless you take some sort of action like communicate, make an action plan or settle on a date for delivery.

When you forget the promise, the person in relation to you can feel disrespected and devalued. If that is not the result that you want in your relationships, then add a timeline to the commitment that you make.

Responsibility, then, is the twin to Commitment and means that you can be counted on, depended upon to follow through, complete the task or commitment, and be accountable for doing so.

Assessment of these core 4 values in your relationships provides a compass for you to be authentic and aware enough to fully enjoy and be fulfilled.

The phrase “What were the odds?” often gets used in conjunction with some disaster or catastrophe.  However, it’s a perfect phrase to describe how I feel on this very momentous day in my life.

Today is a VERY important anniversary in my life, and there are some anniversaries that really deserve to be touted and celebrated, so that their meaning can be re-ignited and continually be a source of honoring what really matters.  Today is the 30th anniversary of my Beloved Sarah and I becoming a couple.  Jeez…30 years! It’s unbelievable to me (and to us) that that many years have gone by.  Of course, it’s equally a trip to me to see how utterly fabulous and young we looked in the pic to the left, which was taken a couple months after we became a couple (and how I looked when I had hair)!

This eZine is all about love, Spirit, and relationships, not always necessarily in that order, so I’m banking on the fact that you’ll find it useful to you to know a bit about why this anniversary is so special (besides longevity) and what it may have to offer you with your relationship(s).

“What were the odds?” comes into play here, because when Sarah and I look back on these past 30 years, that question is one of the primary things we both think of.  What were the odds that we’d even meet?  Pretty slim if you knew the circumstances of our lives at the time.  What were the odds we’d evenlike each other, because we were SO different then and wanting very different things?  In fact, my late mother (who actually introduced Sarah and I), when I first confessed to her my romantic interest in Sarah, told me, “Don’t even think about it…she’ll NEVER go out with you.” (Note to you if you’re a Mom…you probably don’t ever want to tell a son that about a woman…just about guaranteed to drive him even farther towards her). What were the odds really going to be that we’d fall in love with each other when she was newly divorced, I was much younger than Sarah, and I was just starting in a relationship with another woman?  What were the odds that a just-out-of-college 24-year-old was going to fall so madly in love with a woman who had a 9-year old kid who was likely to hate ANY guy coming into his Mom’s life (and did for a few years)?

When it comes to love, the cool thing is that odds can often NOT tell the real story or the truest potential.  All I knew, when I really started to get to know this internally and externally gorgeous woman, was that I’d finally met someone that could fit the bill of what I KNEW I wanted in a Partner, the most important qualities of which were integrity and trustworthiness.  There was never a doubt in my mind that I could trust Sarah, and that has been more than borne out over these last 30 years.

I recently shared with a friend, who was asking me how I most easily connect to the energy of Spirit, or the Divine.  It was a no-brainer to give the answer that immediately came to my heart: I look in Sarah’s eyes.  When she’s connected to her love for me, and if I’m smart enough to pay attention, I can look in her eyes and see Spirit gazing at me intently with the most unconditional love I’ve ever experienced.  I can barely breathe when she looks at me that way…then, I get to deal with the errant part of my mind that still, after all these years, is simply agog at how much love is coming my way.  The fact that that’s been true even in the midst of some of our more trying - or just plain s**tty - times is a Spirit-gifted affirmation, to me, of the true power and potential of love.

It isn’t lost on either of us that we’re one of the few couples either of us know who’ve been together more than 10 years who still truly love each other, like each other, and truly look forward to getting to wake up to the other each day.

I feel blessed by that (and, yes, we’ve worked hard at it), but also quite sad that there aren’t more like us that we know.  I’m not saying there aren’t…but, in our sphere of influence, we just don’t see them. When I share that, people ask me, “Well, what’s your secret?”  While a great question, I have to confess I think it’s Spirit’s secret that we’ve been blessed to be channels for, in a way.  But, there are a few things that I’m happy to share that I think is part of what’s allowed us to last this long, with this much love still GROWING (it doesn’t stay static)…I’ll offer them as a sort of a recipe:

• Allow yourself to be guided to great starting material; in other words, be sure you do what I did: find one of the most lovely, heartful, caring, and loving people you’ve ever met.  If they’re caring towards life, themselves, and others, they’re likely to be that way with you.
• Have the good sense to take the time to really get to know each other (out of bed is almost more important at that early stage).  I knew within two dates that I was seriously falling for Sarah, but we took the time to really get to know each other before we started really acknowledging that we were a committed partnership (we finally got married 3 years after that).
• Add in a boatload of caring conversation…almost be more interested in your partner than you are in yourself (I said “almost”…you have to tend your own garden first, no matter what…but, you have to genuinely be interested in, and committed to, the other person’s potential being fully realized).
• Stir in a few hundred cups of patience, understanding, and respect…without those, the relationship’s doomed.  Part of this is remembering that, if you’re in a committed relationship of ANY nature, it’s a long-haul deal…get over the adolescent urge for continual instant gratification.
• Blend in a TON of respect…if I had to pick just one quality that’s been the single largest contributor (besides love, of course) to our healthy longevity, it’s been the degree to which we both respect each other, and treat each other with as much respect as we can muster in any given moment…especially when we’re pissed off at each other.
• Fold in a LOT of touch, affection (verbal & physical), and great sex…never hurts.
• Sprinkle heavily with large flakes of commitment…when we said “I do” 27 years ago, we meant it…and, there’ve been plenty of times when that’s been the only thing that got us through.
• Lastly, if you have trouble remembering that there are some things that are more important, and valuable, than you two always “being happy,” be sure that you add in some wonderful children (as we did) who will always remind you to occasionally take your attention off yourself and your own needs. It also wouldn’t hurt to throw a healthy devotion and commitment to a Spiritual Path of some sort…a relationship centered around being an expression of the Divine in and through each of you will have a much better shot at lasting.

When something happens to us that hurts our feelings, makes us mad, scares us, or – for me, in particular – proves to be very disappointing, shame is usually triggered.  ”I’m not enough,” “They don’t like me,” “They don’t know what they’re missing,” “I screwed up, and am paying the price” “I can’t really do it, so to hell with it,”, etc. Are any of those part of your emotional response repertoire (as they can be for me)?  If so, how do you respond to it?  Are you even consciously aware of that being what’s happening when you suddenly put on the brakes with your dreams, your ambitions, your passion, and/or your work?  Does procrastination set in, aided by the subtle yet insidious helpmate, distraction?

If the answer is yes to those last two questions, then you can use that state as an indicator for you…an indicator that you’re in the midst of a shame attack.  When this happens to me, and I know from years of working with people on these issues, that I’m not alone…AND, I am no longer present.  I don’t just mean present in the room; I’m talking, not even in 2011.  I’m not really reacting to a current situation from my older, wiser, 53-year-old self.

No, I’m feeling and acting (or not acting) from a very young part of myself. I’ve been triggered into a wound, or wounds, that go back many decades. When that happens, I will often find myself responding from the same menu of responses that I first learned as a child, mostly from my parents.  When my mom got disappointed as I was growing up (and through her whole life, really), her stock response was to get mad or devastatedly hurt, which was almost always followed by her taking her energy away, usually into depression.  It was always about her wounds, but to cope with it, she had to first make it all about the other party who had (usually) inadvertently disappointed her.

I’m blessed to have finally outgrown adopting that particular habit of making it all be about the other “offending” party as a regular practice.  However, it’s become so easy to go radically to the other extreme, where it must ALWAYS be about me.  Either way, the egoic conceit and emotional hobbling that either side of the spectrum engenders ends up being crippling…unless we’re paying attention, learning to discern the difference between healthy shame and self-flagellating shame, and can better master discerning between when

These are the lessons I’ve seen this week – as I’ve ended up doing so much of what I learned from my family to and with myself – that I still get to keep learning and practicing at ever greater depths, in spite of my ego’s desire to feel it’s all handled.  And, you?

In the last few days before Thanksgiving, I’ve been working with some couples and families who are heading into “The Holidays” not with joy and anticipation, but feeling the impact of family division and in high conflict, as well as some who have decided to split up/divorce…not the place that you want to be at ANY time, but certainly not the place you hope to be (or have your kids be) going into this time of year.  In addition, I uncovered some sad, and somewhat shocking, information about what’s happening with relationships “out there,” not just in my sphere of influence.

In the U.S., according to one study, roughly 88% of singles will eventually marry, but only 28% will end up living “happily ever after” (whatever that means, and by whose definitions of that term).  The divorce rate for first-time marrieds is over 70%.  If that wasn’t bad enough, the holiday period of Christmas & New Year’s is second only to Valentine’s Day in the incidences of divorce filings.  It’s been long known that December is also a month where depression and even suicide reaches higher levels than at any time of year.  It’s not exactly “Miracle on 42nd Street” or “It’s A Wonderful Life” is it?

Now, before you go reaching for a drink after reading all that, this piece today is to call out a different possibility for this year’s Holiday.  It does NOT have to be what you don’t want, or dread, it to be.  In fact, I’ve come to see that a lot of what can really make this time of year so damn difficult for you is if you take it for granted that all the past Holidays you’ve had are an automatic indicator of future results.  As cliched as it may seem, the Holidays really can be what you want them to be.  The emphasis though has to be “What you want them to be,” with the corollary added that says, “…and what you decide they’ll be like.”

While I know tradition seems to be highly valued in our culture, they also can keep you (and your Holiday choices) rooted in a past that’s incongruent with where and how the current you want to be.  So, I invite you to try this first step out, and see if it opens up a renewed sense of potentiality that gets you and your Partner excited about, rather than dreading, what’s coming up.

Another key way to change the Holiday game, as it were, is to actually go into the Holidays with the guiding perspective being, “How can I make my relationship with my Partner not only the best Christmas present to both of us that I could get (not buy), but have the Holidays be the best gift for It?”  If you’re interested in exploring THAT one, then you’ll want to consider the online class I’ll be teaching December 6th, 13th, and 15th that will help you do just that.  To find out more, I invite you to read about the complimentary call I’ll be doing this coming Thursday to share more about what I’ll be teaching and what it could do for your marriage/relationship below in the “What’s Geoff Up To Next” section.

As mentioned earlier this issue, Thanksgiving is a time that, ideally, is about all the qualities/feelings you see to the left. Yet, it is often a time where stress levels go up (along with waist lines), dread comes up, and a lot of you just end up going through the motions to “get through” the holiday (at least until you can get to the ski slopes).

May I abide in well-being

In freedom from affliction

In freedom from hostility

In freedom from ill-will

In freedom from anxiety

And may I maintain well-being in myself.

May everyone abide in well-being

In freedom from affliction

In freedom from hostility

In freedom from ill-will

In freedom from anxiety

And may they maintain well-being in themselves.

May all beings be released from all suffering

And may they not be parted from

The good fortune they have attained.

When they act upon intention

All being are the owners of their action

And inherit its results.

Their future is born from such action

Companion to such action

And its results will be their home.

All actions with intention,

Be they skillful or harmful,

Of such acts, they will be the heirs.

If you were to not only say this every day, but were to think of it, and invoke its sentiments, whenever you’re finding yourself irritated at your partner, one of your kids, or a family member, pay attention to what happens inside to the negative feelings and thoughts. It just may fill you with both relief and deeper love that can come from letting go of believing you’re responsible for how anyone else is feeling and/or doing, and embracing that you have the gift of blessing them for their experience and owning your own as an equal opportunity blessing.

I want you to imagine something. Imagine that you’re a solid, upstanding citizen of your Country. You decide to enlist in the Armed Forces, and end up serving for 18 years, faithfully, bravely, and with repeated valor. Then, just before you’re due to retire, you get captured behind enemy lines on what’s to be your final combat mission. Your comrades captured with you are killed. You are thrown into a jail cell that’s 6 by 8 meters…with 48 other people.

Sometimes, less is more.  If you apply that maxim to relationships, what kinds of questions or thoughts does that conjure up for you?  Where do you imagine that would be true for you and your partner? Maybe it could apply to how much time you both spend distracting yourselves…maybe it’s about ways you complicate things that don’t need to be complicated!

One area where you run a large risk of having the less-is-more idea NOT work is when it comes to communicating things that are keeping you both from being able to feel connected to each other.  Now, this isn’t based on the notion that we’re connected 24/7 to our partners (though I do think that’s emotionally and spiritually possible).  This is based on the idea that little things we don’t communicate gradually build into habitually withheld communication that eats away at a relationship as surely – and slowly – as any kind of cancer.

That may sound dramatic, but it probably isn’t.  When you think about (if you think about it) the fact that your passion (and I don’t mean just sexual passion) for your partner is feeling kind of lean and flat, how often does it boil down to upsets you have with him/her?  Odds are, you very well may not know that that’s the case…you may be like a lot of people, who mostly just notice that the feelings aren’t as strong or as accessible.  The mistake you can make, if that’s what’s happening for you with your partner, is thinking that that means there’s a fatal flaw in the relationship.  While that could be the case, what’s more likely is that you have not been telling the truth to yourself, or to your partner, about any number of things – big or “little” – that have been eating at you for God knows how long.  You have been denying your and your partner the opportunity to have each other, and your relationship, grow, and thrive.

If you commonly hear yourself saying things to yourself like, “I don’t want to upset them,” or “It’s just easier to keep it to myself,” or even, “It won’t do any good or make any difference, anyway”, don’t kid yourself.  Firstly, the one you’re really trying to protect is you, and it could cost you your relationship/marriage.  You’re the one whose feelings you’re trying to care take, particularly if it means you have to confront scary or unpleasant aspects you judge about yourself.  When you do that, you’re projecting your “stuff” about reactions onto your partner – even if they do, in fact, get reactive.  In essence, you choose to take the Fifth so as not to incriminate yourself!

I was taught that it wasn’t spiritually cool to tell people things that would cause them harm, for no apparent good.  An example of that would be telling your partner that you’ve always hated their hair, just because you’re pissed off and feel like lashing out at someone.  But, what I see causing horrible conflict – and even divorces – is holding back on communicating what you’re thinking and feeling about things and issues that – were they to be talked out, even if it happens with some heat around it – have every potential to bring you both into greater intimacy and connection on the other side of whatever tensions may first arise.

As an example that I hear about quite frequently from clients, a lot of you aren’t telling your partners the truth about what you really want or what you don’t want, particularly in the areas of being supported with the day-to-day demands of balancing work and home obligations, getting reminded you’re loved, and in the bedroom.  Even worse: there are some of you reading this who may not be telling your partner that your frustration and unhappiness levels have reached a point where you have one foot out the door. By the time things have gotten that bad, make no mistake about it…you’ve played a huge part in creating it to be that bad, by not giving your partner a chance to know what they’re doing or not doing that really makes a huge impact on your emotional well-being and ability to be emotionally intimate.

They can’t look for themselves at what may be transformable without hearing that something’s not working.  And, if you’re thinking that they should be able to figure it out by how you’re withholding your affection, sex, and/or energy, you’re on a road to nowhere, to quote the Talking Heads.

So, what to do?  While a very complicated topic, here’s a couple of simple places to start:

• Get clear on just what exactly you’re unhappy about…then, look and see what the expectation was that triggered you being upset at not having fulfilled (e.g., hoping your partner would take you to a nice dinner on your birthday, which they didn’t do, which then got you disappointed and passive-aggressively withdrawing your energy from them for a few days).
• Look at how you could’ve communicated that expectation, why you didn’t, how often you don’t, and then take full responsibility for that pattern and resolve to both work on it and share that you have it with your partner.
• Then, share with your partner what you’re learning about YOURSELF, not THEM…and how you want to explore changing that behavior, with their explicitly requested support.

If, like an unfortunately large number of people, you’ve avoided doing this for so long that you’re more in touch with your resentment towards your partner than you are your love for them, you need to reach out for help to someone who can help you both disentangle yourself from the webs you’ve woven with each other without even realizing it.  Clearing up weeks, months, or years of what you haven’t said or handled with each other really requires help from a good Relationships Coach (if you’re reading this, you may even know of one close by!) that can set it up and guide you to do it in a way – and within a context – that optimizes you both getting closer rather than farther apart.

Remember, like many things in life, if you don’t take risks, you just stay where you are…and, if where you are isn’t working, wake yourself up from the stupor that has you thinking that if you do nothing long enough, it will work itself out.  That’s just a crock…it WILL NOT…or, if it does, it will be getting worked out by lawyers more likely than not.  Is that what you signed up for when you committed to your relationship?

When does marriage become an endurance contest, rather than an enduring opportunity?  That’s a question that seems to be becoming of greater and, unfortunately, more pervasive importance.  Is that a relevant question for you in your marriage/partnership?  If you don’t know, you’re already at risk of finding out the hard way.

Somewhere along the line in your life, beginning in childhood, you were inundated with all kinds of images, stories, movies, songs, etc. that all seemed to point to the notion that marriage is an essential part of a “successful” life, but the main thing I remember being taught was that the biggest sign of a “successful” marriage was longevity.  Somehow, if you saw a couple make it more than x number of years, they had a “good marriage.”  Yet, it’s painfully obvious that this is not only hooey, but it’s dangerous hooey that has caused immeasurable amounts of suffering for couples and children alike.

If you were to take a look at your relationship (if you’re not currently in one, take a good look at your most significant past ones), do you even know anymore what the criteria for “good” or “successful” is (if you ever did)?  One thing’s for sure, as I’ve come to see in most of the relationships I’ve helped couples with: longevity isn’t the right linchpin to hang your relationship’s merit on.  That’s not to say that longevity is meaningless; it’s just to say that quality will trump quantity anytime when it comes to relationships, in general.  Having said that, though, there’s a double-edged, paradoxical sword when it comes to this.  That paradox is the fact that, while longevity is not a reliable measure of how great your marriage is, it takes longevity to have a great marriage/partnership.

You’ve seen other articles in this eZine about what commitment really means.  Without commitment, you have nothing upon which to hang your hat or to help you move through challenges.  When it comes to marriages, commitment can be the glue that gets you through the roughest times.  However, given the long lasting trend towards disposable marriages over the last 20 years or so (a trend that statistics are beginning to show is slowing down, incidentally), it is wise to be clear on what your committed to. [Thus that paradox just mentioned: commitment alone doesn't insure a healthy marriage, but without some clearly stated and mutually agreed upon commitments, your relationship can't stay healthy and vital.]  If longevity becomes a central criterion for how you evaluate the condition of your commitment and your relationship, it can lead to some blind spots that can bite you on the fanny later. One of those blind spots is staying in a relationship that has become irreparably toxic, just to honor the commitment or “for the kids’ sake.”

So, what is a wise and healthy mix and intersection of commitment and longevity?  I would suggest the following possibilities:

• Firstly, get clear with yourself and your partner about what “Quality” really means to you…not just in terms of your relationship, but in terms of your life as a whole.  What is a quality life to you?  If each of you are clear on that, then you can have truly intimate and meaningful discussions with each other on how your relationship can serve that happening.  It will also give you a metric to regularly evaluate how “on-track” your relationship is at any given time.
• Remove your parents’ relationships as a measure against which to evaluate yours, unless they truly had/have a fully functional, dynamic, vibrant, and consistently loving relationship. If I were to just use longevity as a yardstick, my parents’ 34-year marriage (the 2nd time) would seem something to emulate…but, they were miserable for most of that time.  Come January, my wife and I will have been together for 4 years less than my parents were, and our marriage couldn’t be more like night and day.  Why? Partly because I didn’t want it to be, but also because we’ve chosen to focus on who WE are, and what WE want/need.
• Don’t be committed to misery and suffering, just because you have a commitment…if you’re doing everything you can to try to make it work.  If you are making that assessment of “all we can do” on your own…that’s a mistake, particularly if you’re both noticing escalating conflict levels.  The road, and my workshops, have been littered with the shells of what could’ve grown to greatness, but are shells/”corpses” now, because the idea that “we’ve been together for so long means we must be doing ok” has been so inappropriately comforting.  That’s not the only reason, of course. But, if you and your partner are really suffering, and you’re trying to strategize and work on it all by yourself (and have been doing that for awhile with the continued undesireable results), you will very likely see continued erosion to a place where the relationship goes past the point of no return.
• Remember that the best of relationships are marathons, not sprints.  All relationships have challenges and trials.  Framing your marriage/partnership as the best vehicle for not only for learning more about yourself, but also for expanding the breadth and depth of who you are getting expressed in the world inside and around you, may give you the necessary breathing room when things are pretty bad to, hopefully, remember you’re both bigger than the conflict…and, so is the purpose and value of your relationship.
• Remember that conflict MAY not just be a sign of real “trouble.” If you use it early on to really get vulnerable with honest communications with each other, the conflict could also be a sign that your relationship has finally reached a place where you’re both ready to take a quantum leap in your growth…which scares your egos enough that fear comes up to try to temper the leap.  Don’t let it. 
• Stay Awake!  Again, my office has been sadly over-populated with people coming in, trying to avoid divorce, who say some variation or another of, “I didn’t know s/he was so unhappy…that things were that bad!”  This happens for many reasons, but one of the chief ones for you will be that you aren’t telling the truth to your partner (and/or to yourself) and being real with them in the moment about what you’re needing and feeling.  “I don’t want to upset them right now” will eventually lead to “I didn’t know things were that bad.”

One final quick tip to use if you’re struggling, but wanting your relationship to be an enduring opportunity: if you have any kind of commitment to sacredness and sacred living, remember that your relationship isn’t the source of the sacred, but is a reflection of it; treating it as such, and relating to your partner as just another (albeit unique) expression of the Divine in you, may also help you use tough issues as a growth opportunity to get closer to the Divine that your relationship could be…if you’d only allow it.

“It is with the interior eye that truth is seen.  Our whole business, therefore in this life, is to restore to health the Eye Of The Heart whereby God may be seen.” – St. Augustine