Shame In Action (Or Inaction) 

When something happens to us that hurts our feelings, makes us mad, scares us, or – for me, in particular – proves to be very disappointing, shame is usually triggered.  ”I’m not enough,” “They don’t like me,” “They don’t know what they’re missing,” “I screwed up, and am paying the price” “I can’t really do it, so to hell with it,”, etc. Are any of those part of your emotional response repertoire (as they can be for me)?  If so, how do you respond to it?  Are you even consciously aware of that being what’s happening when you suddenly put on the brakes with your dreams, your ambitions, your passion, and/or your work?  Does procrastination set in, aided by the subtle yet insidious helpmate, distraction?

If the answer is yes to those last two questions, then you can use that state as an indicator for you…an indicator that you’re in the midst of a shame attack.  When this happens to me, and I know from years of working with people on these issues, that I’m not alone…AND, I am no longer present.  I don’t just mean present in the room; I’m talking, not even in 2011.  I’m not really reacting to a current situation from my older, wiser, 53-year-old self.

No, I’m feeling and acting (or not acting) from a very young part of myself. I’ve been triggered into a wound, or wounds, that go back many decades. When that happens, I will often find myself responding from the same menu of responses that I first learned as a child, mostly from my parents.  When my mom got disappointed as I was growing up (and through her whole life, really), her stock response was to get mad or devastatedly hurt, which was almost always followed by her taking her energy away, usually into depression.  It was always about her wounds, but to cope with it, she had to first make it all about the other party who had (usually) inadvertently disappointed her.

I’m blessed to have finally outgrown adopting that particular habit of making it all be about the other “offending” party as a regular practice.  However, it’s become so easy to go radically to the other extreme, where it must ALWAYS be about me.  Either way, the egoic conceit and emotional hobbling that either side of the spectrum engenders ends up being crippling…unless we’re paying attention, learning to discern the difference between healthy shame and self-flagellating shame, and can better master discerning between when

These are the lessons I’ve seen this week – as I’ve ended up doing so much of what I learned from my family to and with myself – that I still get to keep learning and practicing at ever greater depths, in spite of my ego’s desire to feel it’s all handled.  And, you?

What Do You REALLY Want?

To continue addressing what I started in last week’s Feature Article, “What COULD The Holidays Be Like,” let’s take a look at one of the biggest things that gets in the way of you really getting a healthy dose of blissful connection with your Partner and with others you really love and treasure during the Holidays (not to mention the rest of the year).

Does this woman to the left look like you, and/or how you feel, at all during this time of year? If it’s ringing a bell for you, how often do you find yourself just feeling like you have no choice…”it’s just got to be (fill in the blank…’done,’ ‘gotten through,’ ‘survived,” etc.)”  You may be finding that that coming up more and more these days, as we are now only 3 weeks from Christmas Eve.

Part of what seems to cause this for so many is the automatic nature of how we relate to and handle this time of year, every year…both individually and within our relationships.  With friendships, for example, you may be finding yourself saying, more and more, “Let’s get together after the Holidays…we are just so swamped until we get through them.” Notice that?  “Until we get through them?”  Doesn’t that just get you all excited for the Holiday Season?  And, if you’re saying that to your friends, I’ll bet you dollars to donuts, you’re saying it to your Partner, whether it’s directly or indirectly. That’s a big part of why so many relationships get so strained and ding-ed this time of year.

A constant sense of overwhelm, and/or not enough time often becomes the rule of the day, rather than what the Holidays are supposed to be about, which – to me – is connection, love, gratitude, and service (at least in my opinion).  It doesn’t need to keep feeling like you have no choices.  This is, by the way, another consistent culprit in relationship distress…one or the other of you feeling like you’re “stuck” in something, and “can’t” get out of it.  The holidays often accentuate that habit, because – after all – there are Holiday Traditions to uphold and honor!!

Yet, whose traditions are those, anyway?  And, if you’re upholding them, are you doing it out of obligation, trying to keep others happy, or to avoid conflict? When was the last time you and your partner sat down and actually talked about the Holiday plans as if you TRULY could do whatever you wanted?

I know it’s a pain to deal with family’s desires, traditions, etc., but I suggest it’s most important that you start from a place of being committed to each other’s individual and collective desires of what you REALLY want this time of year to be about, how you want it to feel, and what you want it to mean for your lives.

I suggest you look at that for yourselves individually first, and then pick a time (SOON) to sit down together, uninterrupted, and ask each other what you really want for your relationship to get for Christmas.  Start there! That should include what you both want to feel like (and your kids, if you have them) during – and after – the holidays…how you want to feel when you’re together, what you want to do together, and what you want to take into the New Year for your relationship that can begin by how you take charge of this time right now and over the next three weeks.

Once you’ve done that, then share what each of you wrote for what you each want individually, for now and next year, even.  See how much similarity

and/or difference there is between your lists.  Then, brainstorm together how you feel you can best integrate those lists together within what you each want collectively for your Partnership.  If conflict arises, remember you have choices, and those choices are YOURS…not your friends’, not your relatives, and not your parents’.

If you just start there, that alone will make a tremendous impact on how you feel these next 3-4 weeks. One thing’s for sure: doing that will likely help you avoid the need to use the Stress Reduction Kit shown on the right.

So, there’s one significant tip for you to practice. See how it serves you and your loved ones.  Going from being a victim of the Holidays to being a co-creator of the Holidays is your birthright.  Why not take advantage of it?

If you want to get several more tips on how you can make the Holidays an enormous gift to your life and your relationship/marriage, then be sure to read about the class I’m teaching online over the next two weeks to help you get just that, and more. It’s in the “What’s Geoff Up To Next” section.