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Archive for November, 2011

What COULD The Holidays Mean?

In the last few days before Thanksgiving, I’ve been working with some couples and families who are heading into “The Holidays” not with joy and anticipation, but feeling the impact of family division and in high conflict, as well as some who have decided to split up/divorce…not the place that you want to be at ANY time, but certainly not the place you hope to be (or have your kids be) going into this time of year.  In addition, I uncovered some sad, and somewhat shocking, information about what’s happening with relationships “out there,” not just in my sphere of influence.
In the U.S., according to one study, roughly 88% of singles will eventually marry, but only 28% will end up living “happily ever after” (whatever that means, and by whose definitions of that term).  The divorce rate for first-time marrieds is over 70%.  If that wasn’t bad enough, the holiday period of Christmas & New Year’s is second only to Valentine’s Day in the incidences of divorce filings.  It’s been long known that December is also a month where depression and even suicide reaches higher levels than at any time of year.  It’s not exactly “Miracle on 42nd Street” or “It’s A Wonderful Life” is it?
Now, I’m not trying to be a buzz kill by any means.  I am, however, writing this to sound a note of sobriety.  My belief is that a lot of what could make your Holidays, and those of so many others, such a potential source of higher stress, less happiness, and greater levels of disconnection hinges on what they mean to your heart (rather than your checkbook), how clear you and your Partner are on what really matters to the two of you during this time, and the level of unity that you both have in your relationship in general.  If you’ve not really checked in with each other on that last piece in awhile, the Holidays are likely to illuminate what you’ve not been seeing and/or owning with each other.
What I remember so vividly from my misspent youth about the Holidays were that they were a time of enormous mixed messages and feelings.  I was raised in a single-parent household where my Mom often struggled with depression and spotty employment. Money was usually tight year-round, but the Holidays seemed to be a time where my sister and I wanted what we saw on TV, but had a reality that was never shown on TV or in movies.  There were lots of families that seemed to have the Hallmark picture of Christmas, but mine and many others didn’t.  It was a time when there were very different ideas of how to “handle” the holidays (particularly gifts) between my Mom and my Grandmother that created some very unhappy and confusing (for us kids) fighting.
When I grew up (yes, there are some who would say I did) and got into relationships, the Holidays then gained a whole NEW wrinkle, which centered around how to navigate the perpetual demands of each person’s family’s traditions around the Holidays.  Who would go to which family’s Thanksgiving dinner and then do you switch off to the other’s for Xmas?  When I had children, then there was the whole issue of spending the Holiday with Sarah’s family, my family, or having our own family tradition that we invited our families to come join us for (never mind how you work in your siblings and their families, too)! Now that our kids are grown, it gets even more complicated. Oy!
You probably never got a handbook in High School telling you how to maneuver around all that, did you?
The Holidays are also a time where it’s pretty commonplace to reflect back on the year that you’re wrapping up and begin to form a vision for the one lying ahead.  This year, for so many people, has been extremely challenging on a number of levels.  So, for some of you, looking back may seem akin to having each hair on your head plucked out one at a time (or at least as appealing).  For others of you, looking ahead may not seem like much better of a prospect (and for those who do both with great joy and gratitude, you are truly blessed and wise to be seeing that side of things). Yet, it’s my experience that doing that looking is crucial to having what you want in your future…particularly looking at what didn’t work out the way you’d hoped.
Now, before you go reaching for a drink after reading all that, this piece today is to call out a different possibility for this year’s Holiday.  It does NOT have to be what you don’t want, or dread, it to be.  In fact, I’ve come to see that a lot of what can really make this time of year so damn difficult for you is if you take it for granted that all the past Holidays you’ve had are an automatic indicator of future results.  As cliched as it may seem, the Holidays really can be what you want them to be.  The emphasis though has to be “What you want them to be,” with the corollary added that says, “…and what you decide they’ll be like.”
One of the keys for all this is to pay the most attention to is what you and your Partner really want to be feeling, what you want to be doing, and how you each (and collectively) want to BE during this time…and, then, make the decisions that empower all that, in partnership.  It’s that simple, and yet can be very difficult to pull off.  Why? Because you’ve been conditioned for years to have it be about everyone else (this may not be a far-off-the-mark issue year-round for some of you). What will cause the least hassle or upset “in the family” (usually your and your partner’s family-of-origin) often unconsciously (and consciously) sets the agenda and tone for the Holidays.  I’m not advising that you turn into narcissistic anarchists, but I am suggesting that – as a starting place, at the very least – keying off of what you and your partner really want, as opposed to a conditioned sense of “This is what we have to (or should) do” is a darn fine start.

While I know tradition seems to be highly valued in our culture, they also can keep you (and your Holiday choices) rooted in a past that’s incongruent with where and how the current you want to be.  So, I invite you to try this first step out, and see if it opens up a renewed sense of potentiality that gets you and your Partner excited about, rather than dreading, what’s coming up.

Another key way to change the Holiday game, as it were, is to actually go into the Holidays with the guiding perspective being, “How can I make my relationship with my Partner not only the best Christmas present to both of us that I could get (not buy), but have the Holidays be the best gift for It?”  If you’re interested in exploring THAT one, then you’ll want to consider the online class I’ll be teaching December 6th, 13th, and 15th that will help you do just that.  To find out more, I invite you to read about the complimentary call I’ll be doing this coming Thursday to share more about what I’ll be teaching and what it could do for your marriage/relationship below in the “What’s Geoff Up To Next” section.

 

Being Well By Well Be-ing

As mentioned earlier this issue, Thanksgiving is a time that, ideally, is about all the qualities/feelings you see to the left. Yet, it is often a time where stress levels go up (along with waist lines), dread comes up, and a lot of you just end up going through the motions to “get through” the holiday (at least until you can get to the ski slopes).

It seems there should be a better way. Whatever that may be for you, you’ll most likely find it if you put your first focus on your own well-being (particularly, how you’re BE-ing in your life). You, in that state, are much more able to not only give thanks, but to give the best of who you are to those around you…and, that, after all, usually feels ecstatic inside, if you allow it to.

Well being means different things to different people. One thing I know, though, is we don’t “have” it unless we’re intending for it, focusing on it, putting attention on it, and really committing to it (kinda sounds like most things in life, doesn’t it?). If you are in any way Spiritually oriented, it also doesn’t hurt to throw in a prayer, chant, or mantra to bring in some Divine help. I want to share a Buddhist “reflection” (not sure they’d really call it a prayer, even though I use it that way) that I invite you to try out, to see if it could be of great comfort and practice for you to say each day for awhile. It will remind you that, contrary to your Ego’s general belief, life is actually not all about you. While the Ego can find that an affront to its sensibilities,
there’s an enormous relief of pressure and distress when you turn your attention to the well-being of others…it makes you more well.

You can say it to yourself every day to prime the pump for having a day that can be full of well-being. It also might not be a bad idea to say it for all others, as well, given we’re all in the same boat of wanting, desiring, and deserving well-being. It’s called “Reflection On Well-Being.”
May I abide in well-being
In freedom from affliction
In freedom from hostility
In freedom from ill-will
In freedom from anxiety
And may I maintain well-being in myself.
May everyone abide in well-being
In freedom from affliction
In freedom from hostility
In freedom from ill-will
In freedom from anxiety
And may they maintain well-being in themselves.
May all beings be released from all suffering
And may they not be parted from
The good fortune they have attained.
When they act upon intention
All being are the owners of their action
And inherit its results.
Their future is born from such action
Companion to such action
And its results will be their home.
All actions with intention,
Be they skillful or harmful,
Of such acts, they will be the heirs.

If you were to not only say this every day, but were to think of it, and invoke its sentiments, whenever you’re finding yourself irritated at your partner, one of your kids, or a family member, pay attention to what happens inside to the negative feelings and thoughts. It just may fill you with both relief and deeper love that can come from letting go of believing you’re responsible for how anyone else is feeling and/or doing, and embracing that you have the gift of blessing them for their experience and owning your own as an equal opportunity blessing.

Again, have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with love, laughter,joy, great food, and – above all – levels of connection that surpass what you normally allow yourself to experience. There could be no greater Thanksgiving gift for you.

Why Me?!

I want you to imagine something. Imagine that you’re a solid, upstanding citizen of your Country. You decide to enlist in the Armed Forces, and end up serving for 18 years, faithfully, bravely, and with repeated valor. Then, just before you’re due to retire, you get captured behind enemy lines on what’s to be your final combat mission. Your comrades captured with you are killed. You are thrown into a jail cell that’s 6 by 8 meters…with 48 other people.

The cell has a toilet consisting of a hole in the floor into which all 49 occupants are doing their do, with no one ever cleaning it out but once a month. To add insult to injury, you also don’t get to bathe but for 2-3 minutes a month (because your jailers only let there be running water for 2 hours per month. Each day, on top of all that, you and all your fellow cell mates are beaten with clubs. Not just once in awhile, but daily. Then, as about 90% of the occupants of the prison are dying, you get cancer…in fact, you’re told you have terminal cancer. If you really were to imagine yourself living that life, how horrific does that feel? How long do you think you could tolerate such a life?

Reon Schutte (shown above) lived that life for 12 years & 8 months. While still health-challenged, Reon has spent the last 7 years since he was released from Chikarubi Prison in Zimbabwe (I forgot to mention that he was the sole white prisoner in his “cell”) going around the world speaking about his story, and how he managed to survive living and sanitary conditions that literally killed so many people, not to mention the emotional/trauma aspect of things.

The biggest thing I heard Reon really attribute his survival to was by using his anger and his recurring question of “Why me?” to guide him into where he could find any freedom at all in the situation. Where he found freedom was in realizing (or remembering) that the one freedom his captors couldn’t take from him was his power to choose how he was going to respond to his circumstances.

Sounds easy, right? “Just make a choice!”…no big deal, huh? Well, of course it is. Reon doesn’t say it was easy. However, when his life depended on it, it was the wisest and most imperative choice. As he has spoken to over 1.5 million people around the world about his story, he has laid out 10 life-changing principles of how we can use our power of choice that he continues to use to keep himself fully enlivened and empowered as a person and teacher. Here they are:

  • Forgiveness is setting yourself free
  • Be a victor, not a victim
  • Failure only exists when YOU choose to give up
  • Accepting circumstances allows for change
  • Only you choose how you will respond to your circumstances
  • Lead by example
  • Serve others
  • There is no “There”
  • Don’t ask, “Why?”; ask, “What for?”
  • The Power of Choice Resides in Each of Us

Multiple books could be written (and have been) on any one of these. Reon’s book about his ordeal is coming out next month, in fact. What I want to ask you to really ponder on is how much you’re living these principles – particularly in your romantic relationships. In particular, I invite you to really focus on the piece about “Instead of asking ‘Why Me?’, what happens of you ask ‘What for?’”

With every couple I’ve ever worked with, in one form or another, the issues causing upset, distress, and disconnection always have some thread of that “Why me?”, even if it’s in the form of “Why NOT me?” It’s not that you don’t deserve to want what you’d like…but, would it be wise to also look at the “What for?” of what you’re wanting from your relationship and your partner? What really gets served if you get what you want, when you want it, how you want it? It’s not mine to judge, but I suggest it’s a damn good question to ask yourself – particularly before you decide you’re going to bail on something that could be priceless, just for the learning alone.

However you slice it, if you were to do what Reon did in his horrible nightmare, and look at what the serving purpose could be of any adversity you’re facing – no matter how severe or mundane – what happens to you? You can’t know until you consciously decide (oh, shoot…there’s that choice thing again!) to practice it. And, make no mistake about it…this orientation requires practice, unless you’ve been living that way all your life.

If you’re feeling persecuted in any way in your relationship, see what you can learn if you take a look at not only how you’re creating it, but towards what higher end? What is the purpose for you having any distress at all? To allow your ego have something to do to continue it’s one-way march to its desired grandiosity and omnipotence? Or, could it be to allow you the opportunity to see how your ego is working and controlling you, and make a conscious choice to see how your circumstances are giving you a chance to re-acquaint yourself with the power and direction your Spirit would give you (and your relationship) if you would only pay attention to your Ego’s shenanigans. Is it time to make the choice to stop allowing your ego, and your inner victim, to run ragged over you, your life, and your loved ones? If not now, when do you think you’re going to be ready?

I’ll Take The Fifth, Your Honor!

Sometimes, less is more.  If you apply that maxim to relationships, what kinds of questions or thoughts does that conjure up for you?  Where do you imagine that would be true for you and your partner? Maybe it could apply to how much time you both spend distracting yourselves…maybe it’s about ways you complicate things that don’t need to be complicated!

One area where you run a large risk of having the less-is-more idea NOT work is when it comes to communicating things that are keeping you both from being able to feel connected to each other.  Now, this isn’t based on the notion that we’re connected 24/7 to our partners (though I do think that’s emotionally and spiritually possible).  This is based on the idea that little things we don’t communicate gradually build into habitually withheld communication that eats away at a relationship as surely – and slowly – as any kind of cancer.

That may sound dramatic, but it probably isn’t.  When you think about (if you think about it) the fact that your passion (and I don’t mean just sexual passion) for your partner is feeling kind of lean and flat, how often does it boil down to upsets you have with him/her?  Odds are, you very well may not know that that’s the case…you may be like a lot of people, who mostly just notice that the feelings aren’t as strong or as accessible.  The mistake you can make, if that’s what’s happening for you with your partner, is thinking that that means there’s a fatal flaw in the relationship.  While that could be the case, what’s more likely is that you have not been telling the truth to yourself, or to your partner, about any number of things – big or “little” – that have been eating at you for God knows how long.  You have been denying your and your partner the opportunity to have each other, and your relationship, grow, and thrive.

If you commonly hear yourself saying things to yourself like, “I don’t want to upset them,” or “It’s just easier to keep it to myself,” or even, “It won’t do any good or make any difference, anyway”, don’t kid yourself.  Firstly, the one you’re really trying to protect is you, and it could cost you your relationship/marriage.  You’re the one whose feelings you’re trying to care take, particularly if it means you have to confront scary or unpleasant aspects you judge about yourself.  When you do that, you’re projecting your “stuff” about reactions onto your partner – even if they do, in fact, get reactive.  In essence, you choose to take the Fifth so as not to incriminate yourself!

I was taught that it wasn’t spiritually cool to tell people things that would cause them harm, for no apparent good.  An example of that would be telling your partner that you’ve always hated their hair, just because you’re pissed off and feel like lashing out at someone.  But, what I see causing horrible conflict – and even divorces – is holding back on communicating what you’re thinking and feeling about things and issues that – were they to be talked out, even if it happens with some heat around it – have every potential to bring you both into greater intimacy and connection on the other side of whatever tensions may first arise.

As an example that I hear about quite frequently from clients, a lot of you aren’t telling your partners the truth about what you really want or what you don’t want, particularly in the areas of being supported with the day-to-day demands of balancing work and home obligations, getting reminded you’re loved, and in the bedroom.  Even worse: there are some of you reading this who may not be telling your partner that your frustration and unhappiness levels have reached a point where you have one foot out the door. By the time things have gotten that bad, make no mistake about it…you’ve played a huge part in creating it to be that bad, by not giving your partner a chance to know what they’re doing or not doing that really makes a huge impact on your emotional well-being and ability to be emotionally intimate.

They can’t look for themselves at what may be transformable without hearing that something’s not working.  And, if you’re thinking that they should be able to figure it out by how you’re withholding your affection, sex, and/or energy, you’re on a road to nowhere, to quote the Talking Heads.

So, what to do?  While a very complicated topic, here’s a couple of simple places to start:

  • Get clear on just what exactly you’re unhappy about…then, look and see what the expectation was that triggered you being upset at not having fulfilled (e.g., hoping your partner would take you to a nice dinner on your birthday, which they didn’t do, which then got you disappointed and passive-aggressively withdrawing your energy from them for a few days).
  • Look at how you could’ve communicated that expectation, why you didn’t, how often you don’t, and then take full responsibility for that pattern and resolve to both work on it and share that you have it with your partner.
  • Then, share with your partner what you’re learning about YOURSELF, not THEM…and how you want to explore changing that behavior, with their explicitly requested support.

If, like an unfortunately large number of people, you’ve avoided doing this for so long that you’re more in touch with your resentment towards your partner than you are your love for them, you need to reach out for help to someone who can help you both disentangle yourself from the webs you’ve woven with each other without even realizing it.  Clearing up weeks, months, or years of what you haven’t said or handled with each other really requires help from a good Relationships Coach (if you’re reading this, you may even know of one close by!) that can set it up and guide you to do it in a way – and within a context – that optimizes you both getting closer rather than farther apart.

Remember, like many things in life, if you don’t take risks, you just stay where you are…and, if where you are isn’t working, wake yourself up from the stupor that has you thinking that if you do nothing long enough, it will work itself out.  That’s just a crock…it WILL NOT…or, if it does, it will be getting worked out by lawyers more likely than not.  Is that what you signed up for when you committed to your relationship?