Do You Swear To Tell The Truth, The Whole…?

Whether or not you’re currently in a relationship with a lover/partner/spouse, you know that relationships of ALL kinds are a crucial ingredient in what makes life worth living (at least that’s how I look at it).  You probably also know that managing a relationship with anyone easily and quickly can turn into seriously tricky business at the drop of a hat.  Now, if you also take into account the adage that says, “How you do one thing is how you do Everything,” it’s not too hard to see that it behooves you to be as awakened and conscious to what you’re bringing to all your most challenging relationships on any consistent level.

If you’re scratching your head by now, look at this little true-ism: when you look at all the different people you’ve ever had any kind of struggle with (lovers, children, co-worker, authority figure, etc.), what’s the common denominator that you notice (other then the recurring thought that if they only weren’t such a jerk/pain-in-the-butt/annoyance, etc.)?  Does it seem to you that that denominator is all their collective shortcomings?  If so, you’re seriously missing the boat.  Is it that they all are folks who need to change?  If that’s your outlook, you again have missed the boat.  This may seem really basic to you, but it’s stunning to see how many people don’t get the TRUE common denominator: it’s YOU!  YOU are at the center of any dysfunctional relationship you’re a part of.

It’s not that the other party to a relationship doesn’t have faults, flaws, unconscious behaviors, etc.  However, no matter what another person’s doing, your experience of any relationship is totally an experience in which you are the Mission Control Center.  I’m not the first person, by a long shot, to point out that, at the very least (not accounting for heavy safes that fall on your head that you had no control over), you are 100% responsible for the experience of your life and your relationships you’re having.

Now, you may be asking yourself (as I am right this second), “So, if so many others have said it, why in the hell are you saying it AGAIN!?”  It’s pretty simple: because, based on the behaviors and issues I keep seeing with every couple and individual I work with (definitely including Yours Truly), we aren’t getting it!  You may have heard it a thousand times, and a thousand times you may have nodded your head in agreement; however, is it showing up in your life?  That’s where the rubber really hits the road.

Why is it so hard for you and I to get this one?  I think it’s pretty simple.  You don’t want to look at the truths that are inevitably going to be discovered if you really look under the hood at what drives the patterns that continually come up in every relationship you’re in.  You don’t want to see the truth of your need.  You may not want to see the truth of how little you actually believe you’re worth being loved and valued.  You don’t want to see the truth of how much you’re depending on the other person in the relationship to do the heavy lifting of self-validation that you’d really like to do for yourself…and, you may not want to see the truth of how much you actually getting what you want scares the s**t out of you and would totally send your entire inner Strategic Defense System ass over tea kettle.  It’s far easier to have your partner, or the other party to whatever relationship you’re suffering in right now, as the problem.

If someone you’re in relationship with is constantly abusing you, they are definitely a substantive factor in your experience of being abused.  Yet, if your mind wants to go to “They’re bad because they’re abusing me, and shame on them,” I’d suggest you’d be better served first going to “Why am I willing to let myself be abused?”…that’s the part you’re solely responsible for…or, at the very least, it’s the only part that you really have any real power to do anything about.

By now, I’d bet you may be saying to yourself, “Self…this Dude’s sure being a buzz kill; I get the problem, but what the heck do I do about it?”  Again, it’s pretty simple…if you want any kind of healthy relationship, in ANY context, you have to look at what you aren’t communicating…that is, look at what you’re withholding.  Then, you really are going to have to screw up every ounce of courage available to you and be unflinchingly, brutally, and compassionately honest with yourself.  You have to tell the truth on yourself to you, first and foremost.  Just about every judgement you’re listening to in your head about the other person…sit on your toilet backwards and look in the mirror…real hard.

You have to be willing to make a decision you’ve had enough…the only decision I know of that can then propel you to get the support you need to start really taking on shifting both the patterns and the person you’re being (and get to the person you’re not being) when you’re caught in them.  A healthy, vibrant relationship is ABSOLUTELY possible…the reason they seem so hard to come by is largely due to this unwillingness to really look in the mirror and take full responsibility for how you’re experiencing the relationship.  If you’d be willing to do that, you’d have a much better shot at telling yourself the truths that need to be told so you can actually have clarity about what steps need to be taken to end the unnecessary suffering.

It’s just like Warner Ehrhard said years ago: “The truth will set you free; but, first it will piss you off.”

How pissed off are you willing to be for true love of yourself and, then, others?

I would really love to hear what you think and feel about this topic.  If you would be willing to share, and would want it to be anonymous, please email me at info@geofflaughton.com.  If you’re willing to have your experiences be of more immediate use and support for others trying to figure all this stuff out too, I invite you to post a comment or a note, to my Living Your Spirit Now Facebook Fan Page.

I’m Fine!…And You?

How many times have you heard this when you ask someone how they’re doing: “I’m FINE!  And you?”…and, you simply KNEW that you were being fed a line of hooey?  How often has that happened to you with men as opposed to women?  Perhaps, in these times, it’s an even more important question to ask, “When you hear it, and you know it’s BS, what do you do (particularly when it’s a friend)?”

It’s no secret that part of what makes relationships so exciting, rewarding, vexing, and challenging is the differences between how men and women communicate, respond to things, and even hold things philosophically.  One of the most perplexing and needlessly heartbreaking aspects of this particular arena is the way that – in my opinion – men deal with the emotional and psychological challenges they’re facing.  So, whether you’re a man or a woman reading this, I strongly encourage you to listen fully.

If you’re a woman, chances are you’ve been very familiar with this thought: “Why won’t he just talk to me.”  If you’re a man reading this, you’ve probably got some familiarity with “Why does she always want me talking about my feelings (accompanied by a semi-disgusted look on your face)?”   Because there’s a gazillion books on the differences between men and women, you’re not about to read a big piece on that…what I want to actually encourage you to be thinking about is what it may be costing you in your life to be resigned to some notion that these differences in how you may communicate differently from the opposite sex “are just the way it is.”  To settle into that, particularly nowadays, I think is a decision made at your own peril.

It’s no secret how much is changing in the world right now…economically, psychologically, politically, emotionally, and environmentally.  People are scared…I hear it all the time in my practice, and I’m acutely aware of my own discomforts and uneasiness.  Relationships are strained more than they’ve ever been, in my experience.  If you’re to assume that this rate of change isn’t likely to reverse (a smart decision, in my opinion), it’s wise to be looking at how you can adapt and flow with it.  To resist it, as the Borgs in Star Trek would say, is not only futile, but is only going to bring you a world of hurt, most likely.  So, how can you adapt, if you’re going to choose that…particularly when it comes to relationships (of all kinds, not just with your Sweetie)?

The first thing you’re going to have to do is get real with yourself and those you’re in relationship with.  You men reading this….this is critically important to you….our Sisters are generally pretty good at figuring out where they’re at, what’s up emotionally for them, and what they need to communicate.  Many many men I know, or hear about,  keep resting into the “I’m fine/good” paradigm of constructing their sense of reality – and communicating with friends and partners within that structure, when it’s baloney.  When you do that, you’re TRULY risking more than you can imagine. (BTW, here’s a definition of F.I.N.E. to try on: F’d up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.)

This is because you’re going to need connection more than ever before to help you with the kinds of adapting and growth I’m talking about here.  Any mess you’re in right now (or are thinking you’re in) is being amplified by how easily you’re allowing disconnection and unconsciousness to be settled for in you, and in your life.  As disturbing as some of the changes happening now may be for you, they pose an incredible opportunity for growth, love, and harmonization.  Yet, if you’re still hanging on to the notion (again, particularly if you’re a man) that you’ve got to maintain the persona of “It’s all good” when it’s not, it’ll be an even rougher ride…trust me (I’ve learned the hard way).

This is not about you looking for something to be miserable or unhappy about.  Far from it…joy and happiness comes more from your ability to deal with what is from a place of trust and faith, in yourself, your power, and your strength (and if you add Spirit in there somewhere, that usually doesn’t hurt, if that’s part of your beliefs system).  But, to truly tap into all that that offers, you have to be real with yourself – and others.  If you’re not doing that, then you’re not being real in your relationships or having a real relationship in the best ways.  Going back to the question earlier in this article about “What’s it costing you” to NOT be real about where you’re at (Yes, men, I’m talking to YOU), I really invite you to take a hard look at it.  What’s it costing your relationships, your marriage/partnership, and your children?

If you’re not sure about the cost to you, you probably don’t have to look very far to find an example that can light the way.  I know a man, for example, who is suffering hugely right now – emotionally, legally, and financially – because of challenges he had with letting even dear friends know how much he was hurting.  Once upon a time, I let myself get to 280 pounds because I wouldn’t talk to anyone about how much I was dying in my corporate job even in the face of huge success with it.  There are women reading this who know how much abuse you put up with from men in your life because of fears you had/have about asking for help…or even just getting supported by loved ones by telling the truth.  The road has been littered with the corpses (mostly figuratively speaking) of those who keep trying to “Lone Ranger” their internal and external suffering.

You can’t afford it any more…WE can’t afford it anymore.  Men can’t afford to continue buying into the bulls**t perpretrated for generations that “real men not only don’t cry, but don’t EVER admit to being scared or not knowing what to do.”  It may have been drilled into you for years by your parents and grandparents that that would be “weak.”  If you were indeed taught that, I heartily invite you to stop drinking that Kool-Aid.  When you consider that one of the single biggest destructive forces in any relationship is resentment, and that resentment is bred by not communicating honestly, you can imagine the costs of continuing to feel that you’re a problem when you’re having problems.  The first step of the solution: get real with yourself, then get real with someone else you trust.

Lastly, if you KNOW someone you deeply care about is hurting or suffering, and is denying it (but you can feel it), take the chance of annoying them and don’t take their inadvertent self-deceit at face value.  Take the chance of probing a bit more…you just may save someone’s heart…and their life.  Worst case: you’ve sacrificed comfort and connection for the sake of helping that person get more connected to themselves and that they’re loved enough to be called on their crap.  We need each other…more than ever…to be connected and in the Truth.  Helping yourself – and someone you love – get there may just be one of the highest and truest forms of service there is.

I would really love to hear what you think and feel about this topic.  If you would be willing to share, and would want it to be anonymous, please email me at info@geofflaughton.com.  If you’re willing to have your experiences be of more immediate use and support for others trying to figure all this stuff out too, I invite you to post a comment or a note, to my Living Your Spirit Now Facebook Fan Page.

I Hate You, So I Can Love You!…Really?!

A few Saturdays ago, you  received a quick email about Mercury Retrograde, essentially warning you that a lot of unusually intense emotions, reactions, circumstances, etc. were like to be busting out all over the place…particularly with loved ones.  I told you to not necessarily take anything at face value or have conflicts automatically mean something is horribly wrong.  I even shared that I had had an uncharacteristically horrible blow-out with one of the folks I dearly love the night before.  At the end of that evening, prior to writing you about it, I just felt horrible, felt I’d ruined that relationship for life, felt inept, and just flat out confused as to what the hell had just happened.

Whether Mercury Retrograde really has anything to do with it all doesn’t matter.  What really matters is that, if the guano is going to hit your fan, can you turn it into a souffle of growth, progress, and deeper connection with someone (and yourself)?  So, like the headline for this piece says, can you turn a moment of strife or hate (I use that word more as a dramatic label than The Truth) into more love?  Absolutely.  I’ll give you an example of how I did it using the blow-up referred to above.

As is the case with most things that really make you lose your stuff, the specific details of what “happened” in the squabble I went through a few Fridays ago aren’t as important as what I’ve discovered and gained that you can too if you run into similar situations with your partner or other loved ones.  The gist of what caused the blow-up was a simple conversation where the other party said something that a part of me “heard” as a message that the other person didn’t want to play with me, essentially (not at all the truth, by the way).  I got hurt and then very angry, but told the other person that I would talk to them later when we were meeting up to get some things done that we were working together on.  In the interim, I was still fuming and my mind was building evidence for its case about what was really happening with the other person.  The more the case got built, the more “right” I was feeling, the more self-righteous I got, and the more hurt and PO’d I got.

Meanwhile, the other person, turns out, was going through something similar.  When we got to our meeting place, we did the work that needed to be done, and then went to the parking lot, where I intended to apologize for my initial reaction energy, find out what the facts really were, and work through anything that needed to be worked through.  But, the other person had built their case, was even more mad than I was, and we both basically opened up a can of whup-ass on each other that was hurtful, spiteful, and not at all the truth about much of anything, other than our respective reactions and interpretations.  The evening ended in us both leaving in a huff and being completely disconnected.  It felt horrible.

Odds are, you have experienced something like this, right?  Maybe even it’s something that happens with you and your partner more frequently than you like…or with one of your kids…or a co-worker.   Truly, this kind of stuff happens all the time, and you may have grown up watching it happen in your family a lot, in one form or another.  If you did, then this kind of thing can seem almost “normal.”  However, you – like everyone else – have your limits on how much of that you can handle before the hurt and upset turns into potentially fatal (to the relationship) levels of resentment.

So, when this happens, and you’re feeling like you “hate” the other person and would just as soon throw them under a bus as look at them, what do you do?  The first thing is take the time to cool off, feel and move the emotional energy, and then start looking at what you were really wanting that caused the upset, based on circumstances that may not have even been explicitly related.  In other words, using my example here, I was mad at this person because I thought that they didn’t want to be with me and hang out.  As I’ve looked at it more deeply, however, I saw that what a part of me was really wanting was to be reassured that I was loved by this person…which would be “proven” by them choosing me to play with.  It’s just like grade school, isn’t it?  But, we often react to and handle things as if we were still in grade school!

If you can figure out what you’re really wanting (which, on one level or another, is usually to feel connected), then go back to the other person, clean up your part of not communicating the way you would’ve liked to, take responsibility for your actions/non-actions, allow the other person to do the same (if they’re ready and willing), and then explore what you want to create instead.  In other words, how can you convert that temporary, child-like “I hate you,” to a more adult and conscious “I love you and want more of that“?

In doing that with the other person I’ve been referring to (with the help of a facilitator, by the way, which is a good idea to have when the blow-up’s severe enough), I not only saw what I really needed and wanted, and saw where I was responsible for not asking for it the way I know how to, a huge internal relief and freedom came in.  Then, it turned out that there was so much the other party was wanting and needing with me (all of which was centered in emotional connection) that they didn’t get because their reactions and projections went to town…much of which stemmed from things not communicated.  In the end, we both apologized, took responsibility for our parts, shared explicitly what we needed, set some new boundaries, and left the conversation fully back in love with each other again.

Moral of the story…don’t automatically take a blow-out – once you cool off and move the energy of the anger/hurt – as a sign of “The End Is Near!“  Instead, see what happens if you were to use it as an opportunity and a sign that there’s more love wanted and waiting to be had…if only you’re willing to take full responsibility for what you need and communicate it!  So much of the time, the deepest roots of continual conflict will be tied to how much one or both of you are NOT saying, not what you ARE saying.  And, if you’ll say it, even if you still have some rocky waves to traverse, if you hang in there with each other – rooted in your commitment to see each other as deeply loved – you’d be amazed at what you can overcome and create newly with each other.

Are You Willing To Be An Idiot For Love?

What’s your biggest fear, other than harm coming to someone you love?  Is it being out of money?  Is it being alone or unloved?  Is it that people will find you you secretly read Mad Magazine in the john when no one’s looking?  Failing?

Odds are pretty high that your biggest (or one of the biggest) fears of all is being humiliated…and you may not even know it.  Your relationships will be the place that will allow you to test that out, in case you’re curious.  There have been times, when my wife and I were arguing, when I’d get mad and say, “You don’t need to talk to me like I’m an idiot, you know!” (Of course, the minute I ever said that, I was contradicting myself.)

If you’re a regular reader, you know that movies are one of my favorite sources of educating, learning, and enjoying; hence, the poster you see above for the new film, Our Idiot Brother.  If you’ve seen any trailers for this film, it can look like this is just another in a seemingly endless stream of moronic comedies that keep pandering to the lowest common denominator of human existence.  However, if you go see the film, and pay close attention, it’s actually a film with a deep message for you hidden amongst some simple – and, it should be said, enjoyable – low-brow humor.

Paul Rudd’s character in the movie is someone who everyone treats and talks to like he is truly an idiot.  Now, he does some seemingly idiotic things in the film, but if you’re really paying attention, the only thing his character is really doing is being 100% honest, heartful, sincere, caring, and authentic/real.  For doing all that, his character gets ostracized, thrown in jail, ridiculed, rejected, and humiliated by others.  Yet, in spite of all that, there’s not a moment where he’s willing to sacrifice his integrity, heart, or truth…and the only times he skirts it even a bit, he gets in more trouble.  Now, ask yourself this question: “How often am I being that way in my life?“  You may want to particularly ask yourself that question in regards to your key relationships.

How much of yourself (your being, your truth, your heart, your capabilities for loving and connecting) are you denying and/or hiding from others because you don’t want to look like an idiot?

Of course, we’re conditioned to do that from childhood on…you know, “Get along to get along…”  When you were a kid, you’d have probably done almost anything to be accepted by whatever clique you were wanting to be embraced by (I’m not even getting into what happens in our families growing up…that’s a separate article).  There may even have been times, particularly in childhood/adolescence, when you “sold out” someone you care about to “be cool” (for a kind of quirky example of that one, go see the film Fright Night).

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Well, sure, but I’m a mature adult now.  I’d never do that now!”  Yet, if you’re really brutally honest with yourself, you’ll likely see that there are many ways you sell yourself out with others to not upset, hurt, or cause problems for people you love.  When that’s the motive, it looks like you’re being “considerate” or “caring.”  While there may be elements of that, how often is it TRULY about not wanting to upset the other person because you don’t want to look bad (by the way…looking bad tends to make us feel humiliated).

Getting the drift?  In the film, Rudd’s character hangs in there…he’s virtually incapable of lying or being out if integrity with himself.  How true is that for how you relate to your spouse or partner?  To the degree that it does happen, how much of it is because you’re also trying to consciously or unconsciously manipulate a situation to get an outcome that’s going to make you look good and get what you want?  What would happen instead if you were just honest (granted, you can do that in a responsible, mature, compassionate way…it doesn’t have to be about clubbing people to death with no sensitivity) with yourself and your loved ones, ESPECIALLY when it scares you to do so?

In the last week, I’ve worked with three couples who were suffering deeply because they weren’t wanting to look bad, or like an idiot (to be clear, I’m using that word as almost an archetype, not a judgement).  Studies are showing that more marriages deteriorate not just from lack of communication (the root of all evil), but the lack of relentlessly honest communication, even if it’s going to possibly hurt the other’s feelings.  This is one of the prime causes of resentment, which kills more marriages than money issues, or damn close.  Once they started sharing what they weren’t saying to their partner, things started shifting almost immediately.  Was it painful?  Sure.  Did anyone get pissed off?  Sure.  But, through hanging in with a commitment to being more intimate (which requires more candor and vulnerability), after they started moving through the initial reactivity, they were able to get into their hearts (see the feature article in the August 24 issue of this eZine to refresh your memory) and start getting close again.

One of the smartest things you can do for yourself and your relationships (other than remember that you’ll ultimately feel more humiliated if your relationship fails…for many, again) is to first get real with yourself…be an idiot with you.  Then, when you’re as clear as you can possibly be, see if you’d be willing to take the risk of being an idiot for love…see if you’re willing to invest in your happiness, and the health of your relationship, enough that you’re willing to risk looking and/or feeling like a doofus to be able to bring all of you, and your intimacy, to your relationship.  If you’re feeling pretty scared about that, because you’re not sure how to do that…then let’s talk.  You know how to find me.  It’s a skill you’re never too old to learn or improve.

Give that a try…and, go see the movie, if you want to see what I’m talking about and the impact the main character’s stand for integrity ultimately does to all those around him.  after all, isn’t it pretty obvious how much of the troubles in our world today could have been avoided if we were all practicing compassionate truth instead of co-dependent BS?