Getting More Bang For Your Bang
Ok, first of all, get your mind out of the gutter, now. The title of this piece is not what you think (though it’s not a bad objective in the realms of intimacy). This is not going to be about how to improve your sex life, though if you pay attention to what’s being shared here, it will certainly make it better. So, what’s up with “more bang for your bang” then?
If you’re in a relationship, and over 25 (ok…maybe over 30), odds are that you’re already pretty familiar with the prevailing wisdom that says our partners (heck, everyone in our lives) are simply mirrors for, and of, us. You’ve heard it…maybe you’ve thought about it. If you “get it” intellectually, then you’ve probably even tried to embrace that notion, even when your mind is screaming, “But, I’m NOT like that” or “I don’t do that!” Yet, have you really gotten it emotionally? Your ability to get this, work with it, embrace it, love it, and accept it is going to be one of the key linchpins in, and predictor of, how successful your relationship/marriage is going to be. It won’t simply be shared goals, great communication skills, hot sex, and great earning potentials. As cool as those things are, none of them are going to have quite the same impact if you don’t get this mirror thing.
In fact, what if you were to find out that one of the central reasons you’ve picked your partner is to actually be able to get and explore these reflections? Yes, what if that person that you’re so damn irritated, frustrated, confused, and enthralled with was hand-picked, just for you, by that part of you…your Spirit…that has the wisdom to know that this person you’re with (regardless, by the way, of how long you’re together) is the one you’ve chosen to be the bright shiny object that will show you the depths of who you are…and who you’re not?
So, let’s talk about this practically. One of the simplest, beginning ways to explore this distinction is the old finger-pointing exercise. Try this…next time your partner really pisses you off, and the inner dialogue of judgement, hurt, annoyance, etc. is going full bore, imagine that they’re standing in front of you (I don’t recommend starting this out with your partner actually in front of you), and point your finger at them. Now, look at your hand with the pointing finger. Notice that while your thumb and forefinger are pointing towards the imaginary offender, your other three fingers are pointing right back at you. This is a good way to remind you that you should take a look at how your upset may really be all about you …it’s not the sole tool, but it reminds you to take that important look.
Assuming you remember to do that, then you still have to be able to do that kind of query while you’re still in the midst of feeling the heat or “charge”…i.e., you still may be really pissed, disappointed, and/or hurt. So what do you do with that? Well, the most long-lasting remedy will ultimately be to do some deep inner work on what’s causing the upsets, at the core level (which you can contact me for help with); but, in the meantime, you need to see and deal with what’s here right now…hopefully without throwing out too many babies with the bath water. How do you do that when you’re so upset? Well, first, it’s good to know something about the brain.
You want to remember that your brain is hard-wired to not only look for the worst in anything, but emotional threats can precipitate the same fight-or-flight nervous system responses as would a gun being pointed at you. Given that, of course it won’t likely be natural to do what I’m suggesting here (for more on this aspect of the brain, I highly recommend Dr. Rick Hanson’s book, “Buddha’s Brain”). This is something you’re going to have to practice.
Here’s another thing that’s going to help, once you know it. Noted relationships researcher, Dr. John Gottman, has spent over 25 years doing research on couples and the physiology of conflict. In one experiment, he videotaped couples who were arguing. When the conflict got to a nice, juicy level of escalation, the research assistant told them the camera taping them had broken, that he had to go fix it, and that they had to sit in silence until he came back and let them know videotaping would resume.
After 15 minutes, the Assistant came back to tell them they could continue the argument. What they found came as a surprise to the researchers: when the Associate came back, the couple was completely different, both cognitively and physiologically. Each person had calmed down, and was able to work through the difficulty. From this, Gottman hypothesized that 15 minutes was an average time interval in which fight-or-flight dissipated, blood pressures went down, metabolism dropped, and pulses slowed down.
So, if you’re in that highly adrenalized fight-or-flight, “I’m gonna open a can of whup ass on someone!” state of feeling….before looking at those fingers pointing back at you, let the other person know you’re going to take a break/time-out and let your brain calm down. That could be done with music, conscious breathing, vigorous exercise, hitting a heavy bag (if you have one…if you don’t, I recommend you get one), prayer, and a host of other ways. Once that roughly 15-minute period has gone by, and if you are indeed noticing that you’re calmer and ready to get at what’s REALLY going on, consider asking that question of yourself first….”What’s really going on here, and why am I so upset at myself (rather than taking the easier way out and asking it about the other person whenever you really know it isn’t)?
This is a good time to be doing this, as the Mercury Retrograde energies are doing their part to assist you in clearing out more layers of your suppressed inner hurts/baggage/incompletions so that you can see any of the ways that you’re likely projecting the hidden shames, hurts, disappointments, and aftermath of whatever’s been triggered in the first place onto your partner.
If you can detect that that is, in fact, a significant part of what’s going on (which will be much more do-able if you try catching whatever projection(s) you’re tossing your partner’s way and take them back), you’ll be more able, and likely, to deescalate the conflict and actually work things out with love and reason. As many have said before (including me), we are 100% responsible for our lives, like it or not…believe it or not. So, ask yourself, “What/How am I responsible for what’s happening right now between two of us?” If you get some insight into that, you’ll be well on your way to not only growing yourself and your relationship with same, but also in growing the connection and intimacy with the other person involved. This will be especially nudged along if you tell them what you’ve uncovered in yourself, so that you both may benefit and discover, together (once they’ve cooled down enough to be receptive), what the next area for healing and expanded connection are now just waiting for you…if you’ll only lean and surrender into it.
Do that, and you will get the kind of bang for your bang that can last a lifetime, rather than what you’re letting yourself get used to.
I recently had a stunning, and seemingly unfortunate, awareness that I have been swimming pretty deeply in the river of denial for awhile. Like everyone else I know that has such revelations, I found myself wanting to find some spiritual meaning in it. Now, you may be asking yourself, “What could possibly be Spiritual about denial”? Of course, the problem with that question is that, if you knew the answer, you would no longer be in denial, right? This is no fun for the parts of our mind and ego that regularly like to purchase and redeem frequent flyer miles in the Denial Club. But, that shouldn’t stop you from looking.
Take a look inside and see if you can track how hard you work to keep yourself distracted from your feelings and/or those of your partner. Have you found yourself in an argument with someone you love, they get “heated,” and you get beyond frustrated, angry, and/or immobilized with their energy? Odds are that you’re bumping into that there “Issue” that you were convinced you’d handled for good. When a loved one unwittingly shows you that that is indeed a denial-laden assumption, you subconsciously (and even consciously, sometimes) get a feeling of resentment and shame overtaking you. If you don’t know how to hold it, or even understand what the hell’s going on, you’re more likely than not going to blast the other person to keep yourself away from facing what’s yours to face and heal (AGAIN, dammit!!)
If you’re wanting to take your relationship to a level that’s far from common, use every time of feeling at odds with your partner to see what happens if you use it as an opportunity to discover what pocket of love is available to be re-claimed and re-felt by you accepting that you may NEVER have it all healed or ever “Be Done.” From there, you’re more likely to be able to hear yourself, and your partner (and kids, for that matter) differently. From there, you have the real potential to transcend the usual pettiness that lies at the heart of a lot of squabbles, and use the conflict to bring you closer to each other. Is it easy? Not often. Does that mean you shouldn’t go for it? Absolutely not…if what you are really committed to is loving connection and intimacy.
In the late Kate Wolf’s song, Give Yourself To Love, there’s a line that goes, “Love won’t give you everything, but it’ll give you what you need.”
One common problem with that notion, however, is that when you’re caught in fear and/or shame (and haven’t yet figured that out), you’re not usually behaving(or communicating) in a loving way
So, if you’re wanting to take your relationship to a level that’s far from common, use every time of feeling at odds with your partner not as an automatic assumption or “go-to” that the relationship is in trouble; instead, see what happens if you use it as an opportunity to discover what pocket of love is available to be re-claimed and re-felt. From there, you’re more likely to be able to hear each other differently and transcend the usual pettiness that lies at the heart of a lot of squabbles, and use the conflict to bring you closer to each other. Is it easy? Not often. Does that mean you shouldn’t go for it? Absolutely not…if what you are really committed to is loving connection and intimacy.
