What Is Commitment, Really?

We live in a disposable culture, addicted to constant stimulation, new thrills, and instant gratification. In that kind of model, with all the blends of media encouragement to keep it up, and the pressures of trying to keep up with life, where is your relationship fitting in?  Is it falling prey at all to “Hamster-itis” – my term for living life as if you’re a hamster or guinea pig on one of those wheels in a cage you remember from elementary school.  Are you gauging the health of your relationship/marriage by how often you get those hits of feeling like it’s still exciting and giving you enough TPW (Thrills Per Week)?

If you are, how often do you find yourself either questioning your commitment to the relationship…or fantasizing about walking away from it, permanently or temporarily through a virtual or real affair?

That’s increasingly happening more and more; perhaps, it’s even being amplified by the pressures of coping with all the economic fear that so many seem to be sucked into.  It makes me wonder how people really relate to the concept of commitment these days.  In so many arenas, it seems to have lost a lot of its meaning.  But, in the realm of committed relationships, it seems to be getting disturbingly loosey-goosey.

Dictionary.com has one definition of commitment that reads: “Consignment; as to a prison.”  Now, you may be feeling that’s a perfectly apt description of what your commitment to your partner/spouse feels like more often than not.  But, would it be more empowering for you both if you were living more by this definition: “Engagement; involvement…as in “they have a sincere commitment to?” That latter one seems much more exciting, and also challenging.  This kind of commitment really implies that that engagement and involvement is pure and whole…not selective, as in “I’m totally committed to my partner as long as s/he’s doing what they’re supposed to be doing to assure me that they love me,” for example.

Commitment in relationship is, at best, pretty tricky. It’s the glue that can keep you both hanging in through situations and developmental phases that require commitment to get through.  It’s the compass that can help you get clearer on what you really want (or don’t) without hitting a panic button and inappropriately leaving your relationship, just because the going gets tough (which it will in EVERY relationship).  However, it can also be misused in a way that keeps you with a partner that’s really and truly toxic. Commitment can, unfortunately, be what you have to suffering…endlessly.  So, how do you tell the difference between which type of commitment is tending to govern your relationship?

There are a few perspectives I would offer on this:

• Taking The Longer View – Healthy commitment in a marriage/relationship really orients you towards a reflexive long-range perspective; in other words, when you’re fighting with your partner, you’re easily able to realize it’s a short-term circumstance that’s not worth knee-jerkingly throwing the partner out with the bath water.  You can pretty easily see that a struggle’s an opportunity to work something out that’s just burping up to be sorted out…so you can actually get closer with your partner.  You will want that badly enough that you stay committed to the process until you’re both clear it’s been through its full resolution.
• What Comes Out In The Wash – If you’re clear enough that you’ve got a high enough level of commitment to the relationship – and yourself – to take that long-range view, then it’s important that you monitor – over time – how well things are coming out in the wash; in other words, on balance, do you each feel that you’re both getting what you need over the long haul?  However, if you’re both fighting constantly, getting increasingly disconnected from each other, and/or are unable to even try to conceal the levels of resentment that are choking each of you, a healthy commitment would guide you both to getting professional help.  No couple can work out chronic conflict on their own.
• Trading In – It’s unique to each couple what the “right” balance is between the kind of commitment level that keeps you hanging in and working out the kinks, and the kind that keeps you suffering in a relationship way past its shelf date.  However, reflexively and chronically tending to go toward, “This is really a pain in the butt…wouldn’t it just be easier to look for someone else that’s a better fit?” is an indicator that you’re probably not in a healthy commitment to your partner, but more in a commitment that’s devoted to it all being about you and your needs.  It’s not a bad thing to want your needs met, but a healthy commitment in a relationship is one dedicated to both partners being fulfilled.  That kind of commitment naturally orients you both to realize that both of you are creating the state of your relationship at any given time.  Recognizing and owning that will help you both re-connect with a healthy commitment to staying engaged in mutually serving each other’s growth and well-being, even if it means you have to hit some speed bumps along the way.

One simple rule of thumb that will really help you to sort out what you’re really committed to in your relationship, how healthy that commitment continues to be (or not), and what it can make possible is to NOT try figuring it out solely in YOUR head!  You want to remember that – like all humans – you’re going to orient towards seeing things the way your ego wants you to see them…not necessarily seeing things as they really are, or as your partner may see them.  So, to help remove such bias, it always pays to talk with your partner…ask them how they see (and feel) things.

Continually re-examine what commitment really means to each of you, together…and, look freshly and constantly at what each of you are committed to NOW – within the overarching, long-term commitment you made to your relationship.  If you’re not able to do that, get some help from a third-party Relationships Expert, like what I offer couples, to see the forest for the trees.  If you’re not willing to do that, than you’ll know that you’re not really committed to the relationship working, but instead are comfortably committed to being and staying unhappy. Now, that’s an unhealthy commitment.

If you’re seeing that your relationship is ready for the major breakthroughs you want with your partner & haven’t achieved with others you’ve turned to for help, click here to take advantage of a complimentary 40-minute Love & Relationship Breakthrough Session with Geoff.

I would really love to hear what you think and feel about this topic. If you would be willing to share, and would want it to be anonymous, please email me at info@geofflaughton.com. If you’re willing to have your experiences be of more immediate use and support for others trying to figure all this stuff out too, I invite you to post a comment or a note, to my Living Your Spirit Now Facebook Fan Page.

Is Your Relationship Sufficient?

Do you feel your relationship is sufficient? Do you even have a sense of what that would mean, look like, or feel like? If you’re not feeling happy in your relationship, what do you feel is missing? How do you want your partner to change to be able to feel more like you have the relationship of your dreams? Has your relationship gotten to the point where it feels like it’s “good,” or “going well” because it doesn’t suck as much as usual?

You may be thinking I’m being flip, but I’m not…I’m dead serious. You might be shocked (or not) to really know how many couples I know and/or work with where that state of defining and measuring “good” as a “doesn’t-suck”-reality is the yardstick one or both partners is going by to determine whether they’re happy in their romantic partnership. When pressed as to why it isn’t better than that, one of the most common answers is along the lines of “my wife/husband/partner just isn’t as {sexy, fun, vibrant, loving, caring about me over themselves….fill in the blank} they used to be.” If you’re feeling that way, it’s probably feeling like your relationship or marriage just isn’t sufficient.

A pretty big factor in this happening can be how you define “sufficient” and how your partner does or doesn’t. If you’re like a lot of people, you determine sufficiency by how much love, touch, help around the house, sex, help with the kids, etc. that you’re getting…or not. Now, none of those are bad, but are those really the truth about how “good,” or sufficient, your relationship is?

Author Lynn Twist, in her book The Soul Of Money, speaks about sufficiency like this:

“Sufficiency doesn’t mean a quantity of anything…it isn’t two steps up from poverty or one step short of abundance…it isn’t an amount at all. It is an experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, and that WE are enough. Sufficiency resides inside of each of us, and we can call it forward. It is a consciousness, an attention, an intentional choosing of the way we think about our circumstances.”

This principle isn’t just about money. If you have found yourself thinking and/or saying any of the “things” you want more of that are in the list a few paragraphs above about your partner and/or your relationship, you’ve more than likely fallen into one of three very crippling beliefs that can kill off a healthy relationship dead in its tracks without you even realizing it’s happening until, perhaps, it’s too late:

• There’s not enough;
• More is better; and/or
• That’s just the way it is.

While applying this sufficiency concept to your relationship to money (which DOES have an impact on your primary relationship) is incredibly helpful, take a strong, honest look at how much you’re applying those three variables that almost always lead to chronic feelings of insufficiency about pretty much everything!

Look at how often you’re dancing with and around those three beliefs in your life and your primary relationship. How often are you finding yourself getting some loving from your partner, but can’t help thinking “But, it would’ve sure been nice if you’d done this last week, instead of waiting!” or “What took him/her so long?” After you’ve been with your partner for awhile, the lust-filled honeymoon period has passed, and now – having to learn to live with the mundane, and perhaps annoying aspects, of how your partner really does stuff and handles things…you’re frequently thinking “My spouse is terrific, but I‘d be a WHOLE lot happier if I were just with someone who had more [fill in the blank].”

The third belief of “That’s Just The Way It Is” is usually the most destructive. It’s a natural extension of the first two beliefs, but it’s the one that – if you’re thinking it about most things in your relationship – is the indicator that you better start doing something about what isn’t working for you, or you’re going to keep marching towards greater levels of deeper resignation and more resentments that always lead to sexual and emotional disconnection…and, often, the demise of a relationship or, even worse, two people staying for years in one that’s killing their Spirits.

If you’re reading this, and any of what’s being said here is making you feel really uncomfortable, or saying (in a millisecond) to yourself, “That’s not me, thank God!”…it would be wise to just double-check. It really may NOT be you…if it isn’t, you’re on the right track, and are – in my experience – unfortunately in the minority. But, if you see yourself, and/or your partner, living any of these beliefs, it’s very possible it’s not too late to turn it around.

To do that, start with one simple step. Begin looking at how much you’re relating to and conducting your part of your relationship from a perspective of “It’s a you-or-me world, rather than from a you-and-me world view of things. As Lynne Twist says, “Can we recognize that better comes from not more, but in deepening our experience of what’s already there? Can we redefine growth to see it as a recognition of and appreciation for what we already have? Recognize that Enough is a place you arrive at and dwell in.”

Before you start fantasizing on trading in your partner for a better, bigger, or “easier” model, check in with yourself on how much you’re recognizing and appreciating yourself and see if perhaps, within your relationship with you, you already have enough to truly be and feel sufficient, if you would just at least question and challenge those three beliefs of insufficiency. If you get a “No,” then the shift starts with you working on that relationship first…and, consider including your partner in the process! And, it’s important to recognize that that process will happen much more effectively if you reach out for support…after all, if you (and your partner) knew how to do it yourself, don’t you think you would have already done it?

If you’re seeing that your relationship is ready for the major breakthroughs you want with your partner & haven’t achieved with others you’ve turned to for help, click here to take advantage of a complimentary 40-minute Love & Relationship Breakthrough Session with Geoff.

I would really love to hear what you think and feel about this topic. If you would be willing to share, and would want it to be anonymous, please email me at info@geofflaughton.com. If you’re willing to have your experiences be of more immediate use and support for others trying to figure all this stuff out too, I invite you to post a comment or a note, to my Living Your Spirit Now Facebook Fan Page.